Why God Created Girlfriends

Over email today at work:

Becky: My stomach is very, ah, bubbly today!
Shelly: Uh-oh. Did you eat a battery? (after I told her about a 3 yr old who ate a battery)
Becky: No but I had a Diet Pepsi Max and some Peeps! Which is a recipe for a very bubbly tummy!
Shelly: Oh my God. I just pictured them swelling in your tummy as they float in the carbonated pool. Bright pink and yellow expandable birds with their little black eyes getting larger and larger.
Becky: and them saying in muffled voices "peep! PEEP!!!"
Shelly: Bumping up against one another….
Becky: If you think this isn't going to be a blog post you are so wrong!

Diet Pepsi - $1.25
Peeps on clearance at Walgreen's - $.25
Telling your best friend about the bizarre noises your stomach is making after eating such disgusting items and having her TOTALLY UNDERSTAND - PRICELESS

How To Clean Your Room Like a 36 Year Old Woman

*After critiquing my son's fine cleaning techniques I decided to take an honest look at myself and see where he might get his cleaning abilities:


1) Realize there is a problem with the current state of cleanliness of your room and agree to tackle that problem. Right after another cup of coffee.

2) When all the coffee in the house and the entire apartment complex is gone and you are buzzing like a bee… mentally organize how you are going to clean up said room. It's bad. It looks like the closet vomited all over your floor. Do some Yoga moves to try calm down.

3) Decide to start in one corner and work your way through. Now… which corner? Ooh! How about the one with the computer in it?! Check a couple blogs while you are deciding if this is the really the best corner to start in.

4) OK enough is enough. Finally decide to pick the corner with the big pile of clothes on the floor. Determine whether they are clean or dirty. Get your kid to smell them.

5) Find the clean laundry pile. Start to put the clothes away. One at a time in your closet. Ooh look! THERE ARE THOSE SHOES!

6) Try them on. So cute!

7) Find just the right pants to go with the newly discovered shoes.

8) Prance around the room in "new" shoes and cute pants while singing along loudly to Brittany Spears "Gimme More"

9) OK back on task. Begin to fold the child's laundry which is now all over your bed. Ooh IM bell went off! Race to computer to see who messaged.

10) 30 minutes later, go back to pile of clean clothes. Fold. Fold. FOLD MORE! Sprain your arm from patting yourself on the back for making such good head way.

11) Oh! Was that my cell? It IS my cell. Hmmm, where is my cell? "Ben! Where is my cell?"

12) Decide that finding your cell phone is much more important and urgent that dealing with the messy room and the laundry. You ARE the adult after all. Finish it tomorrow.

Don't GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT!

Awhile ago, my son very lovingly and very randomly named our 2001 Isuzu Rodeo, "Blade". This made me laugh hysterically when Ben first came up with this name because our car is so NOT a Blade. He couldn't be further from a Blade. Harry or Rudy, perhaps, but not Blade. Blade to me is like a sleek black bitchin' Camero. Not a tomato red SUV. But Blade he is.
We LOVE Blade. In fact throughout this past brutal winter, Blade has gotten Ben and I through some pretty bad weather. After one really tricky snowy afternoon, when I pulled old Blade into his stall in our garage, Ben literally got out of the car and hugged him. My son hugged the car. Yes, I am fully aware that this child needs a pet. And soon!

Blade and I have an understanding. After 6 years together he knows I don't like to wear my seat belt and he doesn't say anything about the matter. He just shines his little seatbelt light in hopes that I do put my seatbelt on but he doesn't insist on it. He's the sturdy quiet type. I can feel his love. He doesn't need to shove it in my face.

Sadly, however, Blade is getting old. Very old. Recently I just spent an arm and a leg getting a new windshield/roof for him as his old one rusted out and therefore water was raining from the roof of my car. It was as lovely as it sounds.

Now he has decided to do something funky with the back brake light and make a VERY loud noise from below. I'm waiting for it to get so bad that I turn people's heads when I drive by. If they cover their ears and cringe, it's time to take him in. Until then... he's just loud.

The thing is, I feel like he's giving up on me. I feel like, Blade wants it to all be over. Should I call a crisis line? "I think my car is going to commit suicide!"

Well mister, you can THINK AGAIN! You are paid off my dear. You hear me? PAID OFF! You are MINE! ALL MINE! And Ben and I need you. I'm not ready for a fancy younger model. So dear Blade, get a grip! Pull yourself my your seatbelt straps!! You aren't even to 100,000 miles! To some you are still a spring chicken! What do I need to do to get you to snap out of this funk? Do you need a good washing? A new air freshener? A good waxing? You name it buddy and it's yours!

I won't let you go. I'll pour more money into you if need be. Ben and I will eat Ramen noodles for a month if that's what it takes.

I often feel like Blade and I are in that scene from Titanic. He's in the icy water, ready to go under and I'm on a door floating in the water.


Blade: I love you, Becky.

me: Don't you do that, don't say your good-byes. You must do me this honor, Blade. Promise me you'll survive. That you won't give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless. Promise me now, Blade, and never let go of that promise.

Blade: I promise.

me: Never let go.

Blade: I'll never let go. I'll never let go, Becky.


Clearly I'm in desperate need for a pet too. Or a love life.

Mother Mikkimoto Parenting Tip

When your child is small and he has twinkle eyes and cheeks like this:

and curls like that,
take pictures and keep them readily available.

So when he looks like this:

and says things like "MOM! I don't want to talk about it! OK!!?" or "FINE! MOM! Just STOP!" and then gives you an eye roll so big it shifts the gravitational pull of the moon....

you can look back at this picture of your sweet little imp when he was little and didn't talk back

and therefore you will be not be so tempted to put him on a unheated train car headed to Eastern Europe where he will be adopted by Evzen and Eliska and will spend the rest of his days working on their potato farm.

Of course I'm kidding. I'd make sure his train car was heated. Sheesh... what kind of mother do you think I am?

For Josh's Sake

I have terrible luck with men. Really, it's just… bad! I seem to have a knack at picking the crazies, narcissists or the ones who are scared by their own shadow. And it seems as if the past six months have been particularly unlucky. Or maybe I'm just seeing this through the eyes of Josh.

Josh is my co-worker. Actually to call him my "co-worker" is putting it mildly. More accurately, Josh = my work. We sit in a fairly small office, and it's just the two of us in there. In fact it's just the two of us in this whole small department. If he is gone, I'm alone. Yes there are other people in the building but those are just "Hi, how are you?" people. You get the idea.
Luckily we get along great even though we really have nothing in common. Besides our differences on religion, politics and Global Warming (which I have now forbid us to talk about) our love lives couldn't be more different. Josh married his high school sweetheart and other than one other girl that he dated briefly in middle school, he has had this one wonderful woman in his life for 12+ years. People, the guy is only 29.
Then there is me. I now laugh at what the Universe has doled out to me as far as my love life goes. But for Josh, watching and living through this has been a painful experience for him as the men in my life seem to come and go. Quickly.

To me, it's like a clumsy person stubbing their toe all the time. Yeah it hurts for a minute but you get over it quickly. For poor Josh, he's getting a toe amputated each time one of these so called relationships of mine fail.
This last one might have put the poor guy over the edge.

I really thought this latest guy, I'll call "Jack", might have had potential and might have lasted longer than 2 weeks. I even declared before my trip to Seattle "Josh, I think I might be officially off the market!" It was a happy time in our little office.

Until yesterday.
Josh came in Monday morning and said "So… how was the birthday party? "Jack" came right? You guys had a great night, RIGHT?!?!"

There was silence.

Josh: Becky?
Me: Um… no. He didn't show up.
Josh: WHAT? WHY?!?!
Me: Well, he said he was sick.
Josh: Oh OK. Whew.
Me: Um, but I haven't heard from him since.
Josh: Uh oh. That isn't a good sign. What did you do?
Me: HEY! I did nothing! Really! But yeah, I don't have a great feeling about it either. I'll email him and see what's going on.

3 hours later

Me: (sharp intake of breath) What!? JERK! Whatever!!!
Josh: Oh no... What?!
Me: Oh "Jack" and I are really done now.
Josh: NO!!! What happened? Are you kidding? TELL ME EVERYTHING!!!!

Like the stubbed toe, I was upset but was even starting to get over it as the end of the work day approached. At one point I looked back at Josh who was just sitting at his desk with his head in his hands. He said in an exasperated voice and almost talking to himself "I don't know what to tell you Becky. I don't know what it is. What can I do but to offer a shoulder to cry on?"

After work I went to the gym and then hung out with my cute kid to dull the pain. The pancakes I made for dinner didn't hurt things either.

Josh, on the other hand, didn't bounce back as easily from this one. This morning he came into the office and didn't say "Good morning" Didn't even say "Hi." First thing out of his mouth was "OK I have been thinking about this. The next guy you date, do the EXACT OPPOSITE of whatever you have been doing."

"OK, and what would that be?"

"I don't know. Just DO IT!"


I have a first date on Thursday night. For Josh's sake, I really hope it goes well.

1 Year Closer to 40

Another birthday has come and gone. And what a fine one it was.

Saturday night I had dinner out with great girlfriends at my latest favorite restaurant.



Then we moseyed (I guess when you are this old you mosey places) to another fun party at a bar downtown with old friends and new.


This guy was new.


So was this one.




Oh and here's another new one. This one was REALLY weird too. Came up to our table, said hello and then asked us all what our favorite temperature was. Then he asked another friend of mine if she liked to canoe. That's why Richelle looks so pleased to have her picture taken with this odd fellow.

I guess this is the face you make when you turn 36.


OMG! How old am I now?


Finally yesterday my loving parents threw me a family birthday party on my actual day of birth.

As you can see, they think of me as a very serious and mature woman.




Yep. You read the cake decoration right. It does say "Barbie" and it rocks!!!

So thanks 35 for keeping me company for 365 days but I'm ready to see what 36 has in store.

An Early Morning Conversation With a Very Religiously Confused Boy

Mommy, for your birthday, let's go to a bakery to get doughnuts!

Ooh, good idea! But they might not be open because it's Easter.

It's Easter!? TODAY?!?

Yep.

Why don't we celebrate Easter? I want to!

Well honey, we are Jewish and Easter is a Christian holiday.

We are part Jewish and part Christian.

Actually, no. We are ALL Jewish.

But we celebrate Christmas.

*long pause*

Hmmm, ah yes we do but that's because we believe in Santa.

*another long pause*

Oh. OK.

The Ultimate Peep Show

Those who know me know how much I love Peeps. Since we never did Easter as a kid and since my birthday is always close to Easter, Peeps always remind me of Spring and yes, my birthday. So this was particularly funny to me. (Thanks Joe and Laura and Jenn - who all sent this to me. On separate occasions. Hmmm, is that a sign? Should I perhaps shut up about my love of The Peeps?)

*****************************************************************************

On another non-related note, I got THE MOST KICK ASS digital camera for my birthday from my parents! I was a film girl until just a few days ago. Therefore this is an official WARNING!

The Internets will never be the same and neither will this blog.

"Oh. Ben looks so cute just sitting there on the couch" SNAP

"Wow, has there ever been such a large pile of laundry in one dwelling? A small child could rock climb this mountain of dirty clothes!" SNAP

"Aw, pretty plant." SNAP

"These shoes are so cute!!! I have to show EVERYONE!" SNAP

"When Ben has kids they will never believe their father's room was this messy..." SNAP

Folks, this could get ugly and painfully boring so just bear with me and my new love during this honeymoon stage. I'll try to keep it under control but I really can't promise anything.

Oh She's Hysterical

Look at what funny FUNNY Mother Nature did to us today in Wisconsin?

Isn't she a riot!?

Sweetheart, why don't you worry about your seasons playing nice together in the sandbox rather than being a comedian. Hang up your early April Fool's Joke and work on Winter and Spring getting along and figuring out who's turn it is.

My suggestion would be to give Winter a BIG time out. Maybe you can whip him into shape. Clearly me writing letters to him didn't help.

Another View of Camp Runamuka

Cousin Amy did a great job of getting the camp details just right.

Check it out at camp runamucka--next gen

(my hair still hurts from looking at that close up...)

Happy Birthday To Jew

My birthday is on Easter this year. I'm Jewish. (although I use this term to describe myself lightly as I'm about as religious as the Grinch.) Ergo, fun times had by all.

For a Jew, Easter is easily the worst holiday. Ever! Nothing is open, all your friends are with their family doing Easter things, it's on a Sunday… you get the idea. Which makes it a double whammy for me. I finally have a birthday on a weekend... a weekend day where NOTHING is going to be open. Maybe my mom and I can find a Muslim spa to get pedicures at.

Christmas, on the other hand, I actually love, celebrate and can really get behind. It's the end of the year, good tidings to all, Peace on Earth, Happy Holidays, a reason for many a party and real tree in your house with pretty lights! You bet!

But Easter? Ugh. Easter has such a religious backing to it that I can't get out of my head. I know there are many out there who are just taking down their "Keep Christ in Christmas" signs from their front yards but to me, Easter is almost scary! At least Christmas is about a cute baby. Why aren't more Christian kids scared of Easter? Is that what the Easter bunny and pretty pastel eggs are for?

If this was a Jewish holiday? OY! We would be lamenting, and fasting and praying and who knows what else. But it sure wouldn't have chocolate eggs and pretty baskets behind it.

I guess this year I'll have a different reason to celebrate Easter. My birthday. So thank goodness for my family who would normally be bored out of their minds on this day.

Camp Runamukah - The Next Generation

Welcome to the Wonderful World of Camp Runamukah!

The Official Rules of Camp are as follows:
1.laugh often but not to the point of peeing in your pants (this rule doesn't apply to those campers under 2 years of age)
2. don't hit
3. go to bed late
4. get up early
5. share with others. Especially those shorter than you.
6. if you are a woman camper, eat a lot but with every bite say "Oy! I don't need this." or "wow, I can't stop eating. It's so good though. Ok, really, only one more"
7. if you are above 21 or one of our dear Israeli campers, drink as much of The Wine as you can. This helps to stay sane and dull the noise.
Other than that, Run Amuk!

Let me introduce you to some of the 2008 campers:
This is my sista from anotha motha, Amy.

Words can't describe how much I love and now miss Amy. We had such a blast together. Her wonderful husband Bo is probably the coolest husband and dad ever. On Saturday night, Amy, Bo and I went out for a "WILD NIGHT ON THE TOWN!!!"

We had one of the best meals I have ever eaten... but we were all so full from eating half of a cow that afterward, we just lumbered around the streets of downtown Seattle, stopped at one more place for a drink while they were closing and then ended up at club Ashkenazy (aka their house) for bed.

This is Samuel.

He is a dark chocolate version of Ben. They are the exact same age and pretty much the same person. They spent much of camp with their noses in their Nintendo DS's, talking about Club Penguin and making baby Naomi say things. They also have some seriously fantastic charade skills.

Then we have Talia Rebecca.

She has my name for a great reason... I LOVE HER! If I were to come up with the perfect daughter, this would be her. Will you take a look at those eyes? You can also count the freckles on her nose. She has 14.
Tali is also a great hairstylist. Look at my pretty do!

I know. You are so jealous. You should be. This picture doesn't begin to do it justice.
Soon after this picture was taken, however, she had to give me a new do because my hair hurt.
Not only is she the most breathtakingly beautiful girl, she also rocks! She plays t-ball, and wears the cutest things. She will put together a pretty dress with tights and then super cool black boots. Sigh. I miss Tali so. I wanted to sneak her into my suitcase but since the suitcase was already 50lbs which is the max, that wouldn't work. Plus her Mommy would miss her.

Last, but surely not least, we have our youngest camper. Naomi.

But you can call her "Nomi". She is delicious!!!!!!!!! She can't say her Y's so every Y word starts with a L. "Lah" "Lellow" Her little legs are so chewy I needed to take a little nibble out of them. I couldn't help it! She has one curl on her forehead and one on the back of her head. She is symmetrically curled.

To say we had fun in Seattle would be a gross understatement. In fact there was a point on Sunday night when I looked at "Nomi" and thought, "how am I supposed to live without this yummy baby and her caramel curls?" I did flirt with the idea to call the airline, push back our tickets, and call in sick to work for the rest of the week. But then I looked at Ben and knew that wouldn't have been fair to Ben who missed his stuffies and his grandparents badly.

Having a close crazy extended family is the best thing in the world. Amy and I have promised that we are not going to let another 4 years go by. We will have Camp Runamukah on a yearly basis. And possibly even a Madison edition this summer!

So dear cousin... this is now posted on "The Internets" so we HAVE to keep this up.

It's in PRINT.

Home Sweet Home. Kinda.

It is good to be home. Sorta.
I did miss my wonderful king-sized bed after sharing a futon with a 7 year old for 4 nights.
I did miss my make-up that I conveniently left just OUTSIDE of my suitcase. Bradley at MAC in Seattle was pretty happy that I forgot all my make-up in Madison. I bet I just bought him and his husband a new couch with the commission he made off of me.

But I can't get my Seattle family and our wonderful trip out of my head!
This morning when I was putting up my hair in clips to wash my face, all I could think about was Tali doing my hair and what would she think of this do.
And then I made coffee, I thought, "I miss Amy's coffee. I'll have to get something other than Folgers when she comes to visit me"

Ben even misses them too. When I was getting him breakfast he said "I want a milk ba-ba" which is what baby Noami calls any drink.

Maybe the mountain of laundry I have to do, or just unpacking will help the Post Trip Funk. Probably not. But getting excited to see my friends on Saturday night and hanging out with my mom (who I did miss something fierce) today and shopping for my birthday will definitely help!

Oh and if you think this is the last of the Seattle posts, think again my friends. THINK. AGAIN!

Dear Spring

Dear Spring,
Hi.
Um, I'm not sure if you remember me but I sure remember you. I have been thinking about you a lot lately and well, I miss you Spring!
Do you ever think of me? Don't you remember all our good times? Yes, it's been a year since we have seen each other but I think of you often and fondly.
Remember last year in Washington DC? God you were gorgeous!

Look at what you did to those cherry blossoms! Ben was so impressed with you, he couldn't even look up.

Trust me, it's hard to find good seasons these days. Nothing compares to you. And I'm not just saying this because I'm currently with a really awful season. He's so cold and isolating. He often wouldn't let me leave the house. I couldn't drive, I couldn't even WALK on the sidewalks. It was really abusive behavior! My therapist says I need to leave him and quick!

Look Spring, I'm headed to Seattle tomorrow and I'm pretty sure I'll run into you there. I was just wondering if maybe, um, you would think about coming back to Madison with me? Before you say no, just know that this doesn't have to be a serious committment. Maybe you could come back with me and we'll just see how it goes. This doesn't mean that I think you're The One... I just want to spend some time with you.
And I promise, this year there will be no complaining about how much you rain or how I wish your temperatures were a little higher. I swear! I've seen how bad it can get with the wrong season. I'll NEVER take you for granted agian.
Just please come back to me!

Promise me you'll at least think about it. Ok?
I'll see you soon.
Or just call me.
You have my number right? Do you have my cell? Or you can always just email me back if you want to.
Ok.
Well take care.
I miss you.
Bye.

CALL ME!

My Lil BFF

For all the lamenting I do about my crazy kid, in all truth, he really is my best friend. He's not very mature, likes any joke that has "butt " or "fart" in it, and is a very messy roommate but he's my guy. I often find myself wishing he had email at school so I could tell him things through out the day. Unlike my other ADULT best friend, we aren't in constant communication.

Like today for example. I finally got to the bank to bring in the change Ben and I had been saving since September when we decided we were definitely going somewhere for Spring Break. It was in a big glass vase and I remember putting in quite a few quarters so I was pretty convinced that it would be close to $100 and we could use the money for fun on our trip.
As the teller was putting all those coins in the change counter, I was day dreaming of all the lovely things we can buy at the airport and at the Space Needle gift store with our huge loot.
When the teller came back and said "That came to $41.37." I couldn't stop laughing. Hell that won't even pay for the parking at the airport! When I got back to the car, all I wanted to do was to call or email Ben and tell him.

I picked him up from his friend's house (the little guy seriously has a million friends, but that's a post for another time) and said "I took the change in. Guess how much it was?"

Ben: 20 bucks?

Me: No! Only $41.37

Ben: WOW! That's a lot!

Me: It is??

Ben: Yeah, in my standards. Can I have 10 bucks?

Then later in the car ride he asked for some water. Since work doesn't have a water cooler (which is SERIOUSLY lame) I bring a big jug of water everyday. So I handed it to the backseat. It was pretty full. And I thought to myself "Wow, I didn't drink much today"

Only to have my short friend say "Hey you didn't drink much today!"

Me: I was JUST thinking that.

Ben: You should have drank more. Here.

and he hands it back up to me.

Ben: You are probably dehydrated. How often did you go to the bathroom today?

and then I choked on my water.

I really do love this kid.

Bus Drama

Ben takes the bus to school. Everyday. Whoever knows me knows that this "bus thing" has been an issue with me since the first day of kindergarten. I think it's because our mornings are INSANE as it is so having to catch the bus is just the cherry on top of the frantic sundae that is our weekday mornings.
Side note: I drive Ben to the bus stop in the morning. Not because I can't handle the 2 block walk but because it makes me get into work that much faster.

This is the first day of second grade.
We made it to the bus on time that day. Needless to say I don't have pictures of us running down the sidewalk with me yelling "WAIT WAIT! WE HAVE ONE MORE!"

I can't even tally how much of my life has been spent in these past 3 years chasing this yellow bus down the streets of Madison. Or how much of our lives have been spent waiting and waiting and waiting to see it's headlights come up over the horizon. All the while saying a silent prayer that we didn't miss it and therefore have to hightail it to the next bus stop, hurl my kid out of the car while screaming at the other mothers "HOLD THAT BUS!" Ah, such class.

Al, my favorite of all the bus drivers, used to know my car so when he would see me in his rearview mirror he would literally stop in the middle of the street so I could rush Ben into the bus. I miss Al.

You see, as of late, the bus company has been doing something that resembles Murphy Brown's ever changing secretaries. (does anyone remember that show besides me?) I swear we get a new bus driver every 40 days. This may not seem like much to someone who doesn't have such a volatile relationship with the bus, but for me, it's a huge stressor because it usually takes them 40 days to get the route down.
Case and point, the newest bus driver. He's young, he's new and he's an IDIOT! The dude hasn't made it to the bus stop at the same time once! And just 1 minute can make a world of difference. Well at least to "frazzled-not-morning" mothers like me.

Monday, he was so late I was thinking we missed it so I started to drive forward to the next street when all the sudden it turns the corner and is coming right at us. I started to yell, with Ben laughing so hard in the back seat I thought he was going to puke "Oh my god! BACK UP BACK UP BACK UP!"
This morning I thought, ok he was late yesterday, he's going to be super early today. "Ben! Go go go! Get those boots on! Get your coat! For the love of everything that is holy, we are going to miss the bus!!"

We get to the bus stop at 7:07. I think we have a couple minutes as normally he should be there at 7:10. We wait. We wait. I start to get that feeling in my stomach. Ben encourages me to check another stop. As we drive, I see one of the dad's from another stop walking down the street on his way to work. NOT a good sign. I roll down my window…

"Did we miss it?"

"Yep" he says! "He was super early today. 3 kids had to make a run for it!"

As I'm driving Ben to school - which is amazingly out of the way and makes me amazingly crabby - I'm thinking about the complaint I’m going to call in as soon as I get to into work.
Instead, I write a post about this and all is well. Until tomorrow when I drag my half sleeping child to the bus stop 20 minutes early!

I'll show you Hot Shot! Oh, I'll show you…

Monday Math

Becky + 3 large cups of coffee = WOW! It's MONDAY! HELLO! LET'S GET CRACKIN' HERE HUH? YAHOO!

Becky + 3 large cups of coffee also = going to the bathroom every 14.5 minutes

Girlfriends out on the town + camera phone =

Hillary Clinton + Not Backing off and leaving the Presidential race already = MANY disgruntled Democrats including yours truly

Young Boy + too much sugar at a birthday party =

Bored Becky at home + camera phone =

T - 4 days until Seattle = a VERY EXCITED Ben and Becky

See Dad? You had nothing to worry about when I needed a tutor for 11th grade geometry and then I did actually fail logic in college and had to take it again. oops.

But hey! Look at me now!!

How To Clean Your Room Like a 7 Year Old Boy

1. When your mother asks you to clean your room, pretend you just went deaf. If you don't answer or acknowledge her, maybe she will forget.
2. When she asks you again an hour later, put her off. Ask to finish the show you are watching. When that's done say you have to play JUST ONE computer game. After that just look at her with a big smile and tell her she's pretty. Maybe she will forget.
3. When she tells you you can't have dinner until you clean your room, look at with longing eyes and say "But I'm so hungry!" Remember, she's a Jewish Mother therefore she can't in her soul stand to see anyone hungry. Sweet! Eat your dinner. SLOW.

4. After dinner, finally go into your room. Pick up one toy at a time. Before you put it away, dance with it, play with it and show it to all your other toys, until you finally get it to it's right place.
5. Ooh a Green Bay Packer helmet. Put that on. Come out to the kitchen and show your mom how cool you look.

6. When your mother says "Ben you are hopping more than you are cleaning!!" Answer her with MORE hopping and a smile.
7. Ooh gold beads. Put them on. Take the football helmet off and put up your hood on your sweatshirt. Go into the bathroom and check yourself out in the mirror while singing made up songs with the words "poop" and "butt" in them.
8. When that mother says again "Ben, seriously, what are you DOING?" Answer her with "What are YOU doing Mom?"
9. Sooner or later she will get too annoyed and go upstairs to write a blog about this experience. Sweet! You won!
10. Go up to her while she's writing this blog wearing some random headphones that YOU FOUND WHILE CLEANING!

**this blog is brought to you by an exasperated mother on Day Light Savings Time Sunday evening that won't end.

I Named Him Carl and Bought Him Chips

*originally written and posted on My Space 1/27/08

Last night after a very bizzare night out, I stopped at my favorite gas station (ok not really my favorite but it's on the way home and it's open late - hence it's my favorite) to get my "after the bar treat". Nothing tastes as good at 1 in the morning like a Hostess Fruit Pie. Don't judge just try the magic that IS these pies.
I pull in and was about to go into the door on the side when this man outside says "Hey Sister, you can't get in that way. They lock those doors after midnight."
"Thanks" I say as I walk by him.
"Hey Sister. Could I ask you a favor?" he asks. Right then I thought, "I am not buying this guy cigarettes, giving him cash, or buying him liquor."
To my surprise, he didn't ask for any of these things. Instead he said "Could you buy me a bag of potato chips? That would really hit the spot and get me through the night." I was so taken aback by this request that to my surprise, I said fairly eagerly "Sure! What kind?"
He thought for a moment, and replied, "I'm not sure. Classic I guess. The $.99 bags."
I said "You know, if I were you, I would totally go with Sour Cream and Onion."
He continued to think, as did I, thinking "What the hell am I doing?!" So I said "Ok make up your mind quickly here buddy... I'm cold!" He smiled and said very matter of factly, "I think your right. I'll take Sour Cream and Onion..."

So I went in, got his chips, my water and fruit pie - alas they didn't have blueberry just apple. Which is why I'm convinced I have the headache that I do right now. If it was blueberry I would be tap dancing while juggling plates instead of at the computer, writing this blog with a HUGE cup of coffee and two Advil.
I walked out, gave him his chips as he said while walking away "Bless you Sister! Really, bless you. Thank you so much!!"
I got to my car, turned around and shouted after him "Hey! What's your name?" I think he was so into the heaven that is Sour Cream and Onion potato chips that he didn't hear me.
So I named him Carl.
Hope you enjoyed the chips as much as I enjoyed buying them for you Carl.
Keep warm buddy.

Westward Ho!

A week from today, Short Stuff and I are heading out to Seattle for five glorious days to visit with my wonderful cousin and her amazing family.

Not only are they fun and cool as hell, they are all freakishly good looking humans!

As a friend of mine said "They look like they could be in a picture frame insert."

I hope they are ready for these Crazy Midwesterners.


Our mothers are identical twins however, you wouldn't know it from looking at Amy and I. But because they are identical twins, that makes us half sisters. Or so we have said for 35+ years.
When we were little and the families got together, it was insane! Twins sisters, plus all their kids, and their husbands in one house.
Therefore the parents called it "Camp Runamukah" As we would all Run-Amok. It was always wild fun with the week ending in a talent show and an award ceremony. Someone usually ended up in tears due to either not receiving an award or getting a mean award. Ah, those were the days. Nothing beats family, huh?

Even though we haven't seen each other in way too long but that doesn't mean I don't love her to pieces and am so excited for this trip!

Super Nanny Would Be So Proud

Recently something has shook the normally very fine balance that is the happiness and calm in our household. This is mother speak for "My kid has been a total pain in the ass lately! I would rather take a house full of sorority girls who are ALL PMSing than another day with this skinny sassy mouthed 7 year old."

In fact last Thursday night, ended with a lovely open dialouge between mother and son that went something like this:
mother: seriously, if I have to tell you ONE MORE TIME to brush your teeth and get to bed....
boy: MOM! I KNOW! STOP TALKING TO ME!:
mother: Oh I will TALK to you. I'm your mother! You do not talk to ME like that.
boy: I HATE YOU! You are the meanest Mom in the whole world.
mother: (muttering under her breath) yeah well you ain't a picnic tonight either Hot Shot
boy: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
mother: Nothing! Go to BED!
boy: I WANT A NEW MOM!!!
mother: (more muttering) good luck with that bucko!

You know, it's weird but I swear I don't remember the Walton's having these conversations. Maybe I missed it while I was in the kitchen getting a snack. I bet it was right before the "Goodnight John Boy... Goodnight Sue Ellen..."

I was not only sick to my stomach and feeling very guiilty about my not so mature behavior, but I knew this had to end.
I mean I don't totally blame the kid. We are all out of our minds sick of winter. Yeah, I'm blaming this on the Winter From Hell. [refer to blog below] Hey it's either that or Bush and believe it or not, I'm actually sick of blaming him for all my woes. Time to piss on Mother Nature a little bit.

Therefore last night Friday, after yet another LOVELY morning, I gritted my teeth and said "Things are going to change around here, Mister! Oh yes they are!"
That day at work, I made a "chore chart" for my little whipper snapper. It's complete with days of the week on the top, chores to the left and "X"s in each box to mark what needs to be done when.

Well I'm telling you, if I knew that all I had to do was whip up an excel spreadsheet to restore order in my home, I would have done this long ago. I think the boy just needed some structure. The kid took to this chart like a bee to honey. In fact Friday night he went right to work. He posted this on his door, and continues to check it regularly. He even CLEANED THE TOILET on Saturday morning. Really. I couldn't make that up if I tried.
So needless to say I'm sticking with the chart. I'm in love with the chart. If it was legal to marry the chart, I would.

In fact I think I'll use this for him for the rest of his life and even give a copy to his wife.

I can just hear the Super Nanny grinning and saying "Well dune to the pair ov you!"

Sorry! My bad Wisconsin!

When others write letters on their blogs, they have great success.
day 135: Haier is hereby officially redeemed
That does not hold true for Princess Mikkimoto.
Apparently Winter reads The Internets and The Blogs and does NOT have a sense of humor.

Please refer to the forecast in Wisconsin for the next few days:

• TODAY:Partly sunny and breezy.High: 26Wind: WNW 8-16 MPH
• TONIGHT:Cloudy with scattered flurries or snow showers.Low: 10Wind: N 7-15 MPH
• FRIDAY:Mostly cloudy breezy and cold.High: 17Wind: NNE 10-20 MPH
• SATURDAY:Partly sunny, breezy and very cold during the morning; increasingly cloudy with diminishing winds during the afternoon; (flurries or light snow developing Saturday evening).Low: 0; (morning wind chills: -10 to -20)High: 20

If you need to take a moment to check your calendars, be my guest. But I can tell you with much certainty that it's MARCH not JANUARY! It should be in the 40's not in the ZERO's with a wind chill of -10 to -20!
So I'm sorry Wisconsin. I believe I angered The Winter. I will try to right my wrong.
Dear Winter,
When I said yesterday to "suck it" it really meant You are SO PRETTY!!!
Hugs and Kisses
Me

And as far as Brett Favre goes! That wasn't me! I SWEAR I didn't write him a letter!

Dear Winter,

Dear Winter,

Suck it!

Sincerely,

Cold, Pale, Dry and Pissed in Wisconsin

*****************************************************
Ok , that wasn't very nice... let's try this again:

Dear Winter,

Hi.

How are you?

Actually don't answer that because I don't really care. Winter, can I give you some constructive criticism? I can? Thanks! Although as I have learned in Having Difficult Conversations 101 I'll give you some compliments first.

1) You were pretty in December. Thanks for a white Christmas. It was lovely.

2) You did make for some cozy nights at home with my son. Fire on, candles lit, movie playing, popcorn eaten. So again, thanks for that.

3) You let all the snow bunnies have some fun times sledding, skiing, skating, ice fishing and snowboarding. I, personally, didn't do any of the above but I'm sure there are some happy people out there

Ok, but Winter, here comes the hard part… the moment of truth. Winter, you have over stayed your welcome. It's time to go. You are like the unwanted guest at a party who comes too early, leaves late and eats and drinks everything in sight. Really honey, it's so tacky.

You should take your queue from Spring and Fall. Now there are some seasons. They come like a beautiful breeze bringing with them a lovely change in the weather. And then, in a blink of an eye, they are gone, leaving everyone wanting more. Spring and Fall have definitely taken a page from The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right. Nice job seasons!
And then there's Winter. You are more like the Ugly-Desperate-Needy-Step-Sister who wears slacks and sensible shoes.
Ok and seriously, what was your deal this season? Who pissed in your Cheerios? My god! We get it, YOU. ARE. PISSED! Was it that Summer lasted until October 10th? Did you feel the need to show up all the seasons and break some records of your own this year? Or are you trying to scare the world into going Green? If that's the case, I have to tell you, you surely aren't helping with this attitude! All the salt we have used, all the gas from the snow blowers, not to mention all the snow plows running all night long. Trust me, Al Gore will NOT be pleased with you Winter and you really DON'T want to get on his bad side.

Look, all I'm saying is it's really time to go. Lovely Spring will be here before you know it and you BETTER have all this snow and ice gone before she gets here. Please! My toes need to see the air and the sun.

Oh and next season, try some Prozac and talk therapy before you descend again on Wisconsin.

Glad we had this little chat.
Buh bye now.

Take care.

Off you go…

*this picture was not taken this year - if it was, the kid and the snowman would have been covered in 100 inches of snow.

The First Of Many...

Well... I guess I finally did it. I'm no longer just the voyeur but now a contributor to the wonderful world of blogging.

Thanks Al Gore for making this all possible...

Wow, such stress... what to write?!!? I think I might start out by posting some previous blogs that I wrote on My Space... since I have no creativity in my brain right now and the punk needs dinner.

More later!