The Tales of Princess Mikkimoto

My Blog Has Moved!

2008-06-30T09:49:00.001-05:00

Come see my new and improved blog at:

www.talesofmikkimoto.com

A Face Lift for Princess

2008-06-29T09:27:00.005-05:00

Exciting news here at The Tales of Princess Mikkimoto.
I'm moving onto my own URL!
My friend Clay has been a big help in this very cool change.
Oh and by "help" I mean he has been doing it all, telling me what to do step by step and when I still whine and cry and whine some more that I just "don't get it!!" he says very supportive things like, "Don't get frustrated...it is a VERY easy system...it is just different. There is also this really crazy link at the top right called "Help". Don't be afraid to use it. I know it seems wacky, but just give it a shot. :) "

So stay tuned for the new Tales of Princess Mikkimoto. Coming soon to a computer near you.

And er, don't be shocked if you come here in the next few days and you just see it. That's one of those crazy fan-dangled things that Clay is doing. He's smart like that.

A Letter To Ben's 2nd Grade Teacher

2008-06-27T07:15:00.001-05:00

Dear Tonya,

Thank you so much for teaching my kid how to read, how to do math that even I didn't understand and for making him become a good, responsible kid.

We will miss you so much next year.

I do have a couple questions for you though.

When you said in Ben's end of the year report card, that he should read 20 minutes a day this summer, you really meant he should be playing his new PS2 20 minutes a day right?

And then when you said he should develop a pen pal and write this summer, you really meant he should IM with his Grandma over Yahoo Messenger. Right?

princessmikkimoto (6/18/2008 5:31:04 PM): HELLO!

gma (6/18/2008 5:31:22 PM): Hello there. Are you Becky or Ben?

princessmikkimoto (6/18/2008 5:31:33 PM): B E N

gma (6/18/2008 5:31:42 PM): Hi dere, what's new?

princessmikkimoto (6/18/2008 5:32:02 PM): No Nothen

gma (6/18/2008 5:32:44 PM): Oh, well, is your mom having company for dinner?

princessmikkimoto (6/18/2008 5:33:23 PM): yes

gma (6/18/2008 5:33:34 PM): What is she cooking?

princessmikkimoto (6/18/2008 5:33:49 PM): hold on

princessmikkimoto (6/18/2008 5:34:32 PM): a ardacok chikon

gma (6/18/2008 5:34:55 PM): Do you mean Artichoke Chicken?

princessmikkimoto (6/18/2008 5:35:04 PM): ya

gma (6/18/2008 5:35:40 PM): Don't be sad. Be happy! That will be delicious!

princessmikkimoto (6/18/2008 5:36:07 PM): okay

gma (6/18/2008 5:36:31 PM): You're funny. I have to go now. So byebye for now!!!!!

Yeah I thought so. Great! Thanks for the clarification, Tonya! Have a great summer!

Signed,

Mother Of The Year and the Child Who Will Forget Everything He Learned By September 2nd.

100 Things About Me

2008-06-26T07:28:00.002-05:00

In the spirit of already hitting my 100th post, and totally copying my cute cousin Amy, I decided to post 100 things about me.

Please note you don't have to read through the entire list. But if you do I'll know you are a REALLY good person and I will give you a cookie!

These are in no particular order. YOU try 1) coming up with 100 things about yourself and then 2) putting them in some sort of order.

I am the youngest of three.
and I totally act like the baby of the family.
I love being a mom.

I always secretly knew I would do this on my own and I love it.
But I don't think I want any more kids.

For the first time in my life I am truly happy being single. I need a man like I need a hole in the head.

But I do want to get married, someday.

I'm a raging Democrat who loves Barack Obama.

I love chilled white wine.

I don't like red wine and it really doesn't like me.

I love VERY dirty martinis.

I love my job.
I love my cousin Amy like a sister.

I am deathly afraid of bats which has also made me hate birds. Or really any thing with wings.

I like really bad TV. Especially bad reality TV.

I love summer in Madison.

My friends are everything to me.

And I would do ANYTHING for them.

But Ben is my best friend and my favorite person.

My parents are my heroes and I love them, maybe too much.

Mexican is my favorite type of food.

I'm an Aries but I don't believe in Astrology.

I am Jewish but not religious.

I do, however, believe in God.

Scientology scares the shit out of me.

I love going to pools and don't care what I look like in my swim suit.
But take me to a hip bar and I can be very insecure.

I sneeze really loud.

I love deviled eggs.

I am the queen of deals, coupons and sales.

I have never done drugs. Other than smoked pot once, which was NOT a good idea.

I don't smoke and hate cigarettes.

I feel bad for smokers and my friends that smoke because I really don't think they can quit.

I am blessed that I sleep like a rock.

I love naps.

My bed is my favorite thing in my apartment.

I love my apartment but I do want a house in the near future.

I am left handed.

I like the idea of having my hair long but I can't stand it when it's long.

I love my hair dark and don't miss the blonde. At all.

But I can't believe I'm going gray.

The number one thing I worry about is money.

I love purses.

and I love shoes.

I have too many purses and shoes.

My favorite pop is Coke Zero.

I call it "pop" and not "soda".

My brother and sister are actually my half brother and sister.

My middle name is Elizabeth.

Halloween is my favorite holiday.

Christmas is second.

I think Dr. Suess should write a book called "The Jew Who Loved Christmas" starring me.
I love to throw parties.
I love going to parties.

I love to cook and wish Ben would eat things other than cheese pizza and cereal so I could cook more.

Pink is my favorite color.

If Ben was a girl he would have been named Anna, after my grandmother.

My uncle Bob is one of the coolest and most generous people I know.

I can be incredibly lazy.

But I need to have a lot of plans on the weekends.

I hate making Ben's lunches.

I like doing laundry but hate folding clothes.

My bathrooms are a mess.

I really hate to clean but love a clean house.

I love email.
I can type fast.

I am a great friend.

I am honest.

I like making people laugh.

I hated Middle school and dread that Ben has to go in three years.

I want a Golden Retriever puppy.

and yes I know how much work they are. Thanks.

I love Seattle.

I also love Washington D.C.

I wish I could travel more.

I wish I could play golf.

I have always wanted to be a runner.

Someday I will.

I love junk food. Especially Taco Bell.

And doughnuts. I love doughnuts.

But my biggest weakness is ice cream.

I hate going to the dentist.

Even though I have never had a cavity.

My teeth are very white and it's not on accident.

I'm obsessed with people's teeth.

It's the first thing I notice about a person. After their eyes.

I don't feel or act like I'm 36.

I am a sun worshipper. But I do now wear sunscreen.

I love the smell of summer Ben. It's a mix of sunscreen and chlorine from the pool.

I love coffee with tons of Coffee Mate French Vanilla Sugar Free creamer in it.

I can't sleep without a fan.

I hate being hot.

But I love sweating while working out or at the pool.

I love ice water.

I'm always thirsty.

and no I don't have diabetes.

I love Netflix.
I am blessed by my wonderful family and friends.
I have found in the past 6 months, I love to write.

and finally, I love this blog. Much more than I ever thought I would.

June Sunset From My Living Room Window

2008-06-25T07:15:00.002-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

The Fax of Life

2008-06-24T08:16:00.000-05:00

As I have mentioned before, my office is quite small. It's just Josh, myself and our machines... a fax machine and a printer. Since both are vital for us to do our jobs, they have become part of the family. The fax machine is Fred and the printer, Patty.

Fred is very finicky. If you don't feed the paper into him just right he screams like a 2 year old having a temper tantrum. Some might choose to call it "beeping" but I call it screaming.

Last week, Fred had one of these fits. Maybe it was the full moon. Maybe it was that Patty just got new toner. I'm not really sure. I just know he didn't like it when either Josh or I stuffed him with paper.
At one point, he got so mad, he chose to eat a piece.
We were working when Fred started to scream.
BEEP!
"Ugh, now what?"
BEEEEEP!
Josh walks over. "What is your deal today? You have paper!"
BEEEEEEEEPPPP!
CRUNCH! Crinkle. Crinkle.
"Uh oh, that doesn't sound good." I say.
Just then Fred spits out only half a piece of paper.
Josh opens the cover and goes in to retrieve the other piece of paper that is still in Fred's mouth. Josh does get the paper out but Fred won't give up that easy.
Josh then closes the cover.
BEEEEEEEEPPPPPP!
"You ate it! Spit it out if you don't want it anymore."
BEEEEEEEP
"THE COVER IS OPEN BECAUSE YOU SAID TO 'PLEASE OPEN COVER'!!! Now it's telling me to 'please close cover'.
BEEP
"Oh, this is going to be a fun game! Cover is again open. What would you like? Do you want more paper? Are you hungry? Well I don't know what to tell you. Check drum unit?!? What does that have to do with anything!?"

All the while I am cry laughing at my desk at the power struggle between man and machine.
I think my favorite is when Josh finally really lost it and started to beep in the same exact tone as Fred.

Finally after all was said, done and FIXED, the office was very quiet. I think that was Fred and Josh's silent male way of apologizing to each other.

Me on the other hand... I giggled about it for the rest of the day.

This is just one of the many reasons, if I won the lottery today I would still come into work tomorrow.

You Know It's Been a Long Week When....

2008-06-23T08:07:00.000-05:00

This past week was actually three weeks disguised as a Monday through Saturday. Not only was work busy, but Ben was with my parents every day, all day (Thanks again Mom and Dad!) while he had a week off from the end of school and the beginning of camp. Since the universe isn't fair, he had this crazy cough that sounded like a seal with lung cancer. Colds in the summer are just mean. And on top of all that, I had to work on Saturday for a big database conversion.

Saturday morning I dragged myself out of bed and then had to wake up my boy to get him over to Grandma and Grandpa's for yet one more day.

"Honey, it's time to get up."

"waaaa?"

"Ben honey... time to get up. I have to get you to Grandma and Grandpa's because I have to get to the hospital."

All the sudden Ben sits up and starts crying hysterically.

"I have to go to the hospital!?!?" he sobs

"WHAT!? No." trying very hard not to laugh "I do. I have to work today. Why in the world would you think YOU had to go?"

"Because of my cough." he sniffles.

Since I am a youngest child and therefore a total brat, part of me really wanted to say "Yes Ben. You need to go to the hospital for immediate Cough Surgery." But even I'm not that mean and I figured getting the kid up at 7:00am on a Saturday was cruel enough.

Later in the car on the way to drop off Ben, he said "When Samuel gets here we have to be super good at Motocross Mania. Like get 1st or 2nd place every time we play."

"What? When Santa comes? Why is Santa playing Motocross with us?"

"SAMUEL Mom! Not Santa!"

"Oh." Can this week be over now?

But we did end Saturday by sitting at the Memorial Union, with this as our view.

Which I figured, if you have to go through a 24 day week, this wasn't a bad way to end it.

The Last Supper

2008-06-20T08:49:00.001-05:00

Life is hectic and people seem to get busier and busier everyday. If you aren't careful you can lose sight of the important things in life. Like the one thing that makes life bearable and sane: girlfriends!

My two great girlfriends, Shelly and Richelle (or the "Sha Sha's" as my mom likes to call them) and I get together monthly for what we call the "R.S.R Dinner." (Richelle, Shelly and Rebecca. Get it? Yes, Becky is short for Rebecca. Can we move on now?)

We always have it at my place because I'm the only one that has one of those "kid things" and what can I say, he likes to have me around.
We do however switch up who brings what course; main dish, dessert and wine. Of course wine has it's own category. Duh!

I savor these nights. It's just some quality time to laugh, catch up on gossip without having to stave off all the men who flock to us like moths to a flame when we are out and about (oh how I wish that was true...).
Sometimes we have guest appearances. One time Richelle's roommate joined and once we had a guy (gasp!), our friend Wyatt, crash the party.
But it's always been at least the three of us.

Sadly this was our last one for awhile. Richelle decided (while not of sound mind or body I'm sure) to move back to her hometown of Austin, Texas in early July. While Shelly and I are very happy for her, selfishly we are miserable. She will be missed deeply.

So until she comes to her senses and realizes she can't live without us and the challenge that is Wisconsin in the winter, we are taking applications for another member of our dinner group. The only stipulation is your name must begin with the letter with "R". Or, if you are really great but your name is Jessica, we reserve the right to rename you. We really don't want to be left with just a B.S. dinner.

I miss you already Richelley. Come home soon.

Happily, Some Things Never Change

2008-06-19T07:47:00.004-05:00

My friend Emily recently sent me some pictures of Stella and Ben from 2002 - 2003. At first I couldn't stop looking at these pictures and mourning the baby that was gone. I miss that little guy so much, I thought as my ovaries did a little flip.
And then, after another hour of staring at these pictures, I looked at some of my recent pictures and realized, it's still the same kid. He's just taller and a little thinner.

Want proof?

Then: bringing everything from Stella's room out to poor Emily's living room.

Now: and they still love making a huge mess at age 8! Clearly this is what happens when the mothers are too busy talking on the back deck to notice what the kids are doing inside. At least we have the sense to take pictures of it all. Now we can show these to Ben and Stella when they are parents and don't understand why their kids make such messes!

Then: such a sweet messy ice cream face. God that face! I could eat it! Even without the ice cream on it.

Now: the dude still can't eat ice cream without leaving a trace on his bottom lip.

Then: Mommy's boy

Now: I'm so lucky that he still thinks I'm cool and doesn't understand why he can't marry me.

See? Same guy. Just a little older and now he can read and tie his shoes.

But man, I do miss those big chubby cheeks something fierce.

Homeland Security

2008-06-18T07:39:00.000-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

Home Alone

2008-06-17T08:24:00.000-05:00

Last Saturday marked a big day in the lives of Becky and Ben.

It was the first time I left my boy alone.

As his 8th birthday was approaching, I was talking to some other mom friends about when they first left their kids home by themselves. They all agreed that 8 was a fine age to just run to the grocery store or to pick up their other child and confirmed that they had all done it once or twice in the past.

I, however, was apprehensive as I didn't think neither Ben nor I were ready for this. No peer pressure for THIS girl anymore. See Mom? I have evolved.

The subject was broached a couple times to Ben before this monumental day. Being my son and therefore being wickedly smart and responsible (ha!) he said "Maybe when I'm like 9 or 10."
"Good idea!" I agreed hastily.

Then Saturday morning happened. I needed desperately to run to the grocery store to pick up a couple things for a "end of the soccer year" picnic.

"Hey Ben, we have to go to the grocery store. Ok?"

I'm pretty certain I didn't ask him if he wanted to be abducted by aliens, renamed "Montdo" and taken to another galaxy far far away. But if I did ask that question, I'm sure I would have gotten the same look.

"Ok, here's an idea. What if I go by myself?"
"TO THE GROCERY STORE?! AND I STAY HOME ALONE?!?!?"
"Yeah. I think that would be ok. Don't you? I'm just going to the one down the street. I will be gone 20 minutes at the most."
"Um..."
"Or you can come with me. But I have to go now."
"Ah... ok! You can just go. Just um, lock the door."

So I took a deep breath, said some hail Mary's (again GREAT Jew huh?) wrote down my cell phone number, Grandma and Grandpa's number, told him not to answer the phone or the door and gave him a kiss.

And then I ran.

Folks, I don't run. This body doesn't run. But it did that day. To him I was all cool and calm. But on the very short drive to the store I was nauseous and dizzy. "OH. MY. GOD! I LEFT MY BABY AT HOME. ALONE! What the f*ck was I thinking?! OH MY GOD!!!!"

I honestly don't remember the time IN the grocery store since I was moving at warp speed. Flying up and down the aisles like the Tasmanian Devil, whipping things off the shelves and into my cart. And of course I got only half what I needed... the other half, no clue what I was thinking. I ended up with some limeade (what? ewww!) chili in a can (meant to get refried beans) and Ranch dressing seasoning? Huh? When have I ever made Ranch dressing from scratch? I don't even like Ranch dressing that much.

When I made it home after only 22 minutes of being gone, all was fine. Ben was cool as a cucumber and I don't think he even moved from his spot on the couch.
"Hey mom."
I was sweating and panting and trying to be cool too. "Oh hey." puff puff "How did you do?" Pant pant, struggle for breath.
"Great. Hey did you get more milk? I'm thirsty!"

Shoot. Milk.

I don't think this is going to be a common occurrence and not just because I can't afford to buy the wrong food all the time, but it is nice to know I can make the occasional quick trip out if I need to.
Although in preparation for my next Grocery Store Mad Dash, I should probably hit the gym a little more.

I'm Pretty Sure This Is How Tiger Woods Was Raised

2008-06-16T09:15:00.000-05:00

On Father's Day, Ben and I went over to my parents for a good old fashioned cook out. Beer brats, corn on the cob, potato salad, watermelon and ice cream.

Afterwards my mom and I were in such a food coma we actually sat in the living room with the old man to watch golf. Yes. You read that correctly. My mother and I watched golf. Bless my dad's heart as he tried to make it as exciting as possible for us. Little did he know we could have watched The Paint Is Drying channel and been happy campers. A food coma and vowing to never eat anything again for the rest of your life will render you helpless and at the mercy of such boring things as golf.

At one point, I sort of came to, and mumbled, "Wow. Mom. We are watching golf! It must be Father's Day."

Ben chimed in and said "I have watched golf before."
I said "Oh really honey? With Grandpa sometime huh?"

"Yeah. And then one time at home when there was nothing else on TV and you were taking a nap."
Oh. Yes. Ha ha. One of those days.

I'm anxiously waiting by the phone for Parents magazine to call and ask me to do a never ending series on parenting. The classy way.

Happy Dad's Day

2008-06-15T10:20:00.001-05:00

Happy Father's Day to the best dad on the planet...

and to the rest of you fathers out there who might be a close runner up. Sorry but this guy wins, hands down.

Thank you Dad for reading "Winnie the Pooh" to me with voices, making your lap my favorite place on earth, teaching me how to drive while not yelling at me when I missed the driveway and drove up on the grass, for teaching me how to throw a ball not like a girl, and for just being there so Ben always has someone to make a Father's Day Card for.

We love you.

It's Raining Cats and Dogs and Birds and Zebras and...

2008-06-13T08:33:00.004-05:00

Here in Wisconsin we have been a little water logged as of late.

I'm sure the people who's home was washed away by Lake Delton don't appreciate my light tone on this subject. .

But I'm just blown away, again no pun intended to anyone who was caught in the recent tornadoes, by this weather.

Yesterday at work we got emails like this:

The hospital is under a tornado warning. Please move to your tornado safe space. Right now the warning is scheduled to end at 3:45 PM.

To be honest I just said "huh, weird..." and kept on working. Until a woman came into my office and said "I'm sorry Becky, but you have a window so we need you to leave your office." Yeah. That is not OK. Granted no one was very scared, as we have all grown up with tornado threats and severe thunderstorms. But I have to say I have never been escorted out of my office for fear of me getting sucked out the window by whirling wind. As we were walking out she said "I know this is annoying. I have a ton of work to do too. " and I said "Well, thanks for saving my life."

At 5:15 we got another email saying there was another tornado warning and to seek shelter. I didn't get that one until this morning because I was out of the office on the way to pick up Ben. Nothing says "FUN!" or "Please insert large quantities of wine in me" like driving through tornado sirens and a downpour.

In all seriousness, this early summer season has been terrible for our community and surrounding areas. Homes have been washed away, major interstates closed, eight tornadoes touched down yesterday alone and even whole towns and streets flooded.

I guess it could be worse. We could be in Siberia, er I mean Seattle where it's 48 degrees in June.

I will do everyone a favor and NOT write a letter to summer as that just seems to make the seasons around here more furious and not better. So instead, if you know a place that could use a little rain, let me know and I'll get out my airport traffic controller wands (yes, I have some. So?) and point the rain in their direction.

"This way... oop sorry not here... that way... go that way. Go THAT way. Buh bye now..."

Next week is supposed to be dry and sunny. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Perhaps The "Where Do Babies Come From" Conversation Would Be Easier

2008-06-11T07:43:00.002-05:00

Ben: Mom?

me: Yep?

Ben: So someone made up the story about the Tooth Fairy. That's obvious.

Oh god no. Please don't let this be "is the big jolly old guy in the red suit real" conversation!

Ben: So... maybe someone just made up Santa too.

me: Hey do you want hot lunch tomorrow or do you want me to make you a lunch?

Ben: I mean no one has really SEEN Santa, right Mom?

me: We have fresh strawberries I could put in your lunch.

Ben: Mom! Are you even listening?

Listening but trying very hard to avoid and change this subject. Must get train off track...

me: Ok well someone had to have seen him in order to tell the story and pass it down from generation to generation. Right?

Ben: Who did? Who saw him?

What in the hell is a nice Jewish girl like me doing defending Chris Kringle to an 8 year old!? How did I get here?

me: Ooh how about some dessert!

Ben: OK but Mom?

me: Yeah?

Ben: Maybe Santa isn't real.

You know what? NO! Thanks to my laziness he already lost the Tooth Fairy, he just turned 8, he's going into 3rd grade. No! I get to keep this a little longer.

me: Well honey, I choose to believe in Santa. Because, I just want to.

pause

Ben: Yeah. Me too! I believe! And Mom?

me: Yeah?

Ben: I'll have ice cream.

Whew! Thanks to me, Santa, you are safe again. You owe me fat man! The ring size is 8.

What Would I Do For A Klondike Bar?

2008-06-11T07:35:00.005-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

I'm A Sucker For Flowers!

2008-06-10T08:15:00.001-05:00

The worst thing about a garage sale is the aftermath. All the crap that didn't sell now has to go somewhere. Emily wanted me to come over yesterday to get the stuff I wanted before it all went to Goodwill later this week. But I was feeling lazy and didn't wanna (insert whine here).
I tried to procrastinate for another day this week. But then she threw out the "Ok, but we cut some fresh peonies for you tonight! You’ll miss out! They are gorgeous and smell heavenly!"
Yep! That was all it took. "Ooh in that case, I'll be over right after I get Ben!"

So I picked up a few things, she made me dinner and then gave me these amazing flowers.

Yes. My friends spoil me rotten. I'm a very lucky girl.
I didn't pick up EVERYTHING because I'm crafty that way and am waiting for her peony bush to bloom again so I can get another treat just for dealing with my crap.

And trust me, they smell even better than they look!

Thank you Emily! This is how Monday's should always be!

Single In The City

2008-06-09T08:25:00.000-05:00

People often ask me if I'm dating anyone. Or why I'm still single. And my response is always "Nope. Not dating anyone... just haven't found him yet..."

As much as I love Madison, sadly, it does not contain the greatest pool of eligible, cute, single SMART guys.
When I do find a great one, all of the single female population in Madison is clamoring for the same guy so odds are, my chances aren't that great.

More often than not I get responses to my personal ad from guys who are probably just the sweetest things and will make some girl very happy. But that girl isn't me.

We all know now about my current pet peeve in regards to grammar and basics of the English language. So when I see fellas that can't even get the spelling right in their headlines, it's pretty much a quick "no."

Therefore when I got this email yesterday, I first shook my head in utter confusion and then laughed. Then I cried, rocked in the fetal position as I sucked my thumb and looked for jobs and apartments in Chicago.

"Hi Becky I like to get to know about you .. I am very simple guy noting special working hard to have best things in life filling alonley some times because I like to have social friends spend quality time and have fun.. I have 9 years old wonderful kids ,I spend most time with her swimming actiwitiy , lots a fun so not much . rest work,work is keine boring some times . I like to know what you like to do? Talk to soon ...M"

If anyone can decipher what he is saying, I'll give you a cookie. A REALLY BIG COOKIE!
I'm truly hoping English isn't his first language. Needless to say we won't be "Talk to soon"

When Charlotte in Sex and the City said "Where is he!? I have been waiting for 15 years!! I'm TIRED already." I feel her pain.

I write this blog so that when people ask me "Why is such a great gal like you single?" I can refer them to this post and say "THIS is why people. THIS. IS. WHY."

"I'm Asking You To Believe..."

2008-06-06T08:00:00.000-05:00

From CNN's Quick Vote on June 5th 2008

Which presumptive nominee will win the presidency in November?
Sen. John McCain 40% 62847
Sen. Barack Obama 60% 92679

Total Votes: 155526

p.s. let this be your official warning that you will be reading a lot about my man Obama on this blog from now until November. I fell in love with him in 2004 when he spoke at the Democratic National Convention. I'll never forget, stopping in my tracks, listening to his inspiring speech and then saying out loud to myself "Oh my god! Who is this guy?" I called my mom immediately and said "Are you listening to this? He's amazing!!"

I truly believe in everything he speaks of. I honestly believe he is what this country desperately needs. He will heal us and bring this country hope and the change that we so eagerly need.
So when yesterday as my son and I were buying birthday presents for his weekend of consecutive birthday parties, I heard a stock clerk going off about how "all he does is talk about 'change'. Well WHAT change? Stop talking about the word 'change' and tell us what you want to change."
Because I still want my kid to think I'm cool for a least a couple more years, I didn't march over to him and start listing off all of Obama's great ideas and plans to fix this broken country. Nor did I yell "Go to his website you idiot!" But I really wanted to. And next time, I just might.

When Obama ran for the presidency, I was thrilled. When he recently clinched the nomination, I was over the moon. Therefore, between now and November 4th, I'm going to do all I can to make sure Senator Obama becomes the 44th President of the United States. So if that means inundating you all with images and quotes and stats, so be it. If you think I worked hard for Kerry in 2004, WATCH OUT!

You have been warned.

Eavesdropping

2008-06-05T08:26:00.000-05:00

*the following conversations were overheard during a recent play date between Ben and his long time buddy Dhruv. Just one of the awesome things about having a loft. Sound carries but the kids can't see me.

Dhruv: Are you in love with a girl?
Ben: NO! Are you?!
Dhruv: Yes.
Ben: Well why don't you marry her?
Dhruv: Because she doesn't really like me.
___________________________

Ben: Do you believe in the tooth fairy?
Dhruv: No!
Ben: (very excited) Me neither! My mom told me it wasn't real when I lost my last tooth.
Dhruv: Well one time, when we were in India, I lost a tooth and I waited up all night for the tooth fairy. And then my mom came in and put a dollar under my pillow. That's how I knew.
___________________________

Ben: I got two weapons and I ain't afraid to use either one of them. But this one is broke. (laughs)
Dhruv: How do you use this?
Ben: That's a good question. It needs arrows but ah, I don't know where they are. I'm going to shoot at the target.
Dhruv: What are targets?
Ben: Things you shoot at. Duh!
Dhruv: I thought targets were just stores.
Ben: I'm going to shoot the balloon.
me: NO! Ben! Stop shooting things. Hey guys why don't you watch Ben's new Harry Potter movie?
Dhruv: No, I do not like Harry Potter.
Ben: Too bad so sad Mom.
____________________________________________
It was then that I realized I need to get off my butt and take these Wild Things outside. I'm pretty sure I heard the plants breathe a sigh of relief as the door closed behind us.

Yes We Can!

2008-06-04T07:36:00.003-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

You Give Grammar a Bad Name

2008-06-03T07:41:00.003-05:00

Like many, I have quite a few pet peeves. One of my biggest pet peeves however, is when people can't get our language correct. Feel free to call me The Grammar Police.

Now if English is your second or third language, I'll cut you some slack. However if you were born and raised speaking The English, and you graduated from high school that has certified teachers with all their teeth, aren't married to their siblings and don't respond to the name "Billy Bob", you have no excuse.

The thing that drives me the most crazy is when people can't get even the simple stuff right. It's not "She did that two?" it's "She did that too?"
Others that drive me batty are the differences between "your" and "you're" or "there" and "their" or "where" and "wear" etc.
I don't expect everyone to be great writers but you should know the basics about the English language, right?

Sometimes, there are people that are SO out of touch it makes me physically cringe.

I once had an employee that would type "our" instead of "or" Yes. This is true. Please take a moment to cringe. Let it all soak in. I understand.

Then there was this one time at band camp where I dated a guy named Dave. Wait. "Dated" is way too serious of a term for what we were. I was communicating with a guy named Dave.
And it wasn't at band camp. I have just always wanted to say that.

Dave and I met online. (My favorite place to meet the best of the best men. But that's a post for another time.) And this guy was no exception. His sentences, if you could call them that, in his emails or instant messages would often be so confusing and make absolutely NO sense that I had zero hope to figure out what this poor sap was trying to say. So I would have no choice but to send back a simple, "Huh?"

Sadly I haven't kept any of his emails so I don't have concrete examples for you. Because I'm so dedicated to this blog, I was tempted to get back in touch with him just so I could give my readers a taste of this madness he called "written communication". But then I thought about it for more than two minutes and decided I don't like you guys THAT much. Sorry.

Anyway, because I couldn't keep this marvel to myself (I'm anything but selfish), I would forward these grammatical wonders to my girlfriend Shelly. She too was impressed with his sheer lack of anything close to remedial writing skills. It both amazed and terrified us at the same time.

Unfortunately, Dave and I didn't work out but his legacy lives on.

To this day, if one of us messes up an email, that person gets called "Dave". And it's not a compliment.

Example from just the other day:

Shelly: You Dave’d it! “when you are D are just going”
Becky:Wow! My Dave made absolutely no sense.

or

Shelly: Yeah, typically not a work though.
Becky: typically not AT work? Dave?
Shelly: Hi! Dave here. I’m back.

or

Shelly: Thing of how socially inept they are.
Becky: Dave!
Shelly: Crap! I thought he took the week off.

The morale of this story is that if Ben ever threatens not to do his English homework, I'll recite to him this little tale and proceed to tell him he never wants his name to be synonymous with a negative verb or noun. Depending on the sentence.

How Much Will You Pay For This Post?

2008-06-01T09:43:00.003-05:00

Sorry I was gone for so long. I was stuck in Garage Sale Land. It is a land, far far away, where you sell all your crap to strangers. It is a land where these strangers either love your junk, reject it with laughter or don't even see it. It is also a land where you spend day after day working on this sale just to realize at the end, you have 3/4 of your crap leftover.

Nothing makes me happier than selling the basically brand new Old Navy shorts that I bought in every color for my son just last summer to which I then turn around and sell them this spring for a dollar. Oh no, not a dollar each. ALL FOR A DOLLAR. Nope. Not nauseous. Not me.

My mother is reading this right now and saying out loud to her computer screen "Oh come on Becky! You love those damn sales!"

OK fine. This is true. As a little girl, I would use EVERY chance to sell something. Anything! When my parents didn't want to deal with the pain of a lemonade stand, I would sell autumn leaves that fell on the ground. I would just put them in my wagon and sit on the corner and sell leaves. That didn't work so well, so once I just sold water. Water from the tap. Donald Trump, move over.

This was also the girl who when I was a girl scout I would love selling those cookies door to door. they actually GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO SELL! Hell yeah!

So, in reality, a garage sale isn't much different. I still get a little high when someone comes at me holding Aunt Margie's quilted Christmas wreath with their sweaty little two dollars in their hands.

The thing that really kills me about garage sales is that people actually lose their minds. Buyers and sellers alike.

In the buyer's mind, EVERYTHING is for sale. I'm actually surprised no one came over to me and asked how much my earrings were, that were ON MY EARS. We had a lady set her purse down to go look at a lawn mower, when another lady came up and started going through her purse! I had to say "Ma'am. Um, MA'AM! That is actually someones PURSE. WHO IS HERE! It's not for sale."

Or when Ben was eating lunch in the garage (don't worry, he didn't have a price tag on him) and this woman came up to his bowl THAT STILL HAD PEARS IN IT and asked if the bowl was plastic or porcelain. "Um, that's my son's lunch bowl. It's ah, not for sale." She was embarrassed because she didn't even see the kid, just the STUFF! Thank god she didn't see him, she might have started to barter on how much I would take for the kid with the messy face. "Well he also does have Kool-aid all over his shirt..."

At one point I saw my friend and partner in crime, Emily, come out of her house with a lady carrying a TV stand and an end table. I thought "Huh where did Emily have those set aside?" When I went inside later to go to the bathroom I saw that her TV was on the floor, along with all her stuff that was on the end table that was now in some lady's car. I came back out and said "Emily! Didn't you need that stuff?" She said almost in a daze "Dude! I got $40 for the set!!"

My mom tells a story about neighbors across the street who were having a garage sale one summer and got such bad garage sale fever that they ran into their house took down their shower curtain and hauled out their living room furniture onto the lawn. After the sale they had to run out and buy all new items.

But my true favorite of the weekend was the lady who was trying to barter with me on a sweater that was already just one dollar. She had two items in her hands. Both were $1. She said "I give you $1.50." I laughed and said "How about $2?" She came back with, "Well look at dis sweata? It all pilly on da side." I again laughed and said "Fine. $1.50."

Did she forget where she was for a minute and think this was Macy's? Did she forget that she was paying just ONE dollar for a wool sweater. HONEY! Look at this stuff and where you are! It's all crap and it's being sold IN A GARAGE!

The kids had a Kool-Aid stand and percentage wise, they beat Emily and I in sales hands down. They even ran out of cups and still got "donations."

Regardless it was fun, fairly successful and we really lucked out with the weather. I am now a whopping $64 richer and rid of a lot less stuff. Although seeing as how $50 of that went towards gas, I'm going to see if I can find Crazy Sweater Lady and let her do some bartering for me at the gas pump!

A Letter To Lego

2008-05-29T07:59:00.000-05:00

Dear Lego Star Wars,
Hi. How's it going?
First I would like to congratulate you on your super cool toys. Really. Well done. My kid and many of his other 8 year old friends - well it's like crack to them. I'm not sure how you do it because looking at those Super Death Star Anakin Trooper Rogue Shadow ships does nothing for me. But you get my kid in front of that aisle at Toys R Us and it's all "OH MY GOD MOM LOOK AT THAT! SWEEEEEEET!" Ah what? I didn't hear you because the pretty Barbie an aisle over just winked at me. I think she wants me to come look at her new shoes.

And LSW, can I ask? Do you have kids? I'm guessing not. Otherwise you wouldn't make these super sweet concoctions with 1,500 itsy bitsy teeny weeny pieces. Because dear LSW, THIS is what happens when said 8 year old boy opens up this SWEEEEEEEET birthday gift.

No, this isn't in the safety of his bedroom. This is in the living. Right in the middle of the living room. Fun right?
Ever had one of those pieces lodged between your pinkie and 4th toe? So. Much. Fun!
Ever step on one of these suckers in the middle of the night but you can't scream to the high heavens because you don't want wake your kid, so you mutter every obsencity you have ever heard in a whisper? Good times there!

Also when my child, after hours of trying to build this ship himself, finally looks at me with desperation and says "Mom, can you help?" I look at him as if he has just spoken Cantonese and say with a blank stare, "Ah, I can help by making you a snack!"

You see, I don't DO Lego Star Wars. I do Barbie's hair, and I can dress up a Build A Bear with the greatest of ease. If you need someone to set up your Webkinz animal online, I'm your girl.
But putting together the Battle Trooper Clone Wing Fighter Darth Vadar Ship... nope. Not me.

So dear Lego Star Wars, again super cool toy but could you either start making them with just 3 huge pieces or at least have it come with an instant Geek Guy that can sit with my son for hours and help with him this super cool gift. Oh and if he was cute, single and a Democrat that would be SWEEEEEET!

Sincerely,

I'll Be Sending My Podiatrist Bill To You

The Face Of An Eight Year Old

2008-05-28T07:38:00.000-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

An Ode To Thy Bratwurst

2008-05-27T07:36:00.001-05:00

Here in Wisconsin we take our German Sausages very seriously. So serious in fact, that we honor our brats twice a year in a festival known throughout the world as (queue the music) BRAT FEST!

If you look up the word "bratwurst" in Wikipedia you find Madison Wisconsin!

The city of Madison, Wisconsin, holds an annual festival billed as the "World's Largest Brat Fest". The four-day charity event sees tens of thousands of brats sold by "celebrity" cashiers, usually local television, radio, and government personalities. Brat Fest's self-proclaimed world record is 189,432 brats consumed during the 2004 event.

For all of those that don't live in Madison Wisconsin and aren't familiar with the insanity and gluttony that is Brat Fest, allow me to explain.

It first started many years ago as a very simple and diminutive affair. It was just a small stand with maybe one grill outside a local grocery store that sold brats and hot dogs for ridiculously cheap prices. It was something like $.50 for a hot dog and a pop and $1 for a brat and a pop.

My father loves my mother, Ben, myself and Brat Fest. In that order. It would be sometime in mid May and the man would all the sudden get this goofy grin on his face and say "You know what's comin' up don't you? BRAT FEST!"

Ben happened to be born over Memorial Day weekend. I brought him home from the hospital with my parents close by. Until my dad realized what weekend it was. This proud grandpa knew the one thing missing from this homecoming was brats. "Who wants a brat?!?" he said eagerly.

Ah yes. Nothing says I want a brat like just having gone through 12 hours of labor, 2 1/2 hours of pushing that resulted in an emergency c-section, spending the past 4 days in the hospital to now be staring at this baby who people tell me is mine but I'm really just waiting for his real parents to come and get him. But off my dad went. Because HELLO!?!? Brat Fest doesn't happen just everyday ya know.

Throughout the years Brat Fest expanded. Very slowly at first but steadily. Soon the little stand became a bigger stand. And then eventually a tent in the parking lot of this grocery store. Until a couple years ago when Brat Fest just couldn't handle it's awesomeness anymore and finally exploded into this!

Yes folks. It is a full on FAIR who's sole dedication is to The Brat! There are bands. There are rides. And there are beers tents (duh! It's Wisconsin! Hell someone sneezes in the summer and that's reason enough for a beer tent)

The gourmet menu is as follows:

Johnsonville Brat $1.50

Oscar Mayer Hot Dog $1.50

Double Johnny $3.00 "New This Year"(A Double Johnny is two juicy Johnsonville brats on one bun)

Boca Brat (vegetarian) $1.50

I hope I didn't send someone into cardiac arrest from just reading about the "Double Johnny".

We, of course, attended Brat Fest this year. It's actually a state requirement. Really. When filling out your taxes at the end of the year, you have to show a ketchup stain from your Brat Fest experience otherwise you get a penalty from the state.

Thank god I have until Labor Day to get rid of my brat baby. And lose the 20 pounds I put on just this weekend.

God Bless Wisconsin.

A Really Good Day

2008-05-25T10:05:00.001-05:00

Sometimes there are bad days where everything goes wrong. Those days suck.

But then, just sometimes, there are days like Ben's birthday. Where everything goes right.

Where the temperature outside is perfect. Just a few fluffy clouds in the sky, no bugs, 72 degress with no humidity.

Where all your favorite people show up for the party.

Where you find an empty picnic table right by the playground in a very busy park.

Where the birthday cake melts in the sun but everyone laughs instead of cries.

Where friends and family are gathered together to celebrate a wonderful boy's birthday.

It was a good day. A really good day.

Eight

2008-05-24T08:03:00.000-05:00

Happy 8th birthday to the coolest kid...

To the goofiest kid...

To the sweetest boy...

To the sportiest little dude...

To a great friend...

To a very creative guy...

and the best son a mother could ever wish for.

Whenever I hear you say "My mom said..." I feel so lucky and proud that I get to be that person. Your mom.

Happy Birthday Baby!

Now please. Stop growing up. That's an order!

Ben-d It Like Beckham

2008-05-23T08:30:00.001-05:00

Ben has been playing soccer for 3 years now.

He's finally at a point where he not only likes it but he's pretty good.

And I'm sorry but there is nothing cuter than this kid in his soccer uniform. I mean LOOK AT HIM!

There was one period during the spring of 1st grade where he hated soccer so much I had to literally bribe him to play the complete game. Often he would just walk around the field all mopey. So I would say "Look, if you run, and actually PLAY for the whole game after this we will go to Target for a toy."

I'm not proud of this parenting technique but hey, we do what we have to do! And it wasn't long before I didn't even have to bribe him.

Now he loves practice and likes the games even more. He will tell me beforehand how many goals he's going to score and who they will be dedicated to. "The first one will be for you mom. and then one for Grandpa and then Grandma."

At a game a couple weeks ago, #9 actually made three goals! Although, um, one was for the other team. But we don't talk about that.

I think participating in sports is really good for kids. They don't have to be good... and sometimes they don't even have to like it. But they should understand what it is to be committed to something, what it means to be part of a team and have that team depend on you. Not to mention how fun being a soccer mom is!

In the fall, when they are big 3rd graders, they will actually play with goalies and real scores! GASP! Hopefully Ben can continue to show off his fancy footwork.

Look out David Beckham... this young gun is coming after your title...

Kids Get It. Why Can't The Rest of America?

2008-05-22T07:35:00.000-05:00

On the way to our friends house for dinner, Stella called to find out if we were on our way.
After I got off the phone with her, I said to Ben, "That was Stella. She's so darn cute. I love her."

To which he replied in all his 8 year old cockiness, "Well then why don't you marry her?"
"Well for one, she's my friend. Secondly, she's too young for me and third, she's a girl. So legally I can't marry her, even if I wanted to."
"Why not?"
"Because President Bush and his people say it's illegal for boys to marry boys and girls to marry girls."
"You mean like when people are gay?"
"Yep. Like Jason and Joe."
"JASON AND JOE ARE GAY?!?!"
"Yes honey."
"You mean THEY KISS ON THE LIPS??!"
"Yeah, I'm sure they do."
"Wow! I didn't know they were gay. "
"I thought you knew that. Does it bother you?"

Ben sits and stares out the window for awhile taking this all in.

Then he says in a very serious voice. "No. I don't care. I think it's dumb that they can't get married though."
"Me too. It's SO DUMB and sad. Makes me mad."
"Hey Mom? When Bush isn't the president anymore, can they?"
"Oh I hope so honey."
"Like when Obama is President?"
Sigh
"Yes. Like then."

Getting To Act Like 25 All Over Again

2008-05-21T08:05:00.001-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

I Bet Paris Hilton Never Played This Game

2008-05-20T07:59:00.002-05:00

When I was little, my mom invented a game called "Shipwreck" This was when we didn't want to leave the house to get food for dinner but we really had nothing in the house to eat. It was either due to the weather, sheer laziness or perhaps lack of money. We would scrimp and scrounge through the cabinets to come up with some fun concoction.

Last night Ben and I invited our own version of Shipwreck.

We were both at loose ends. I was crabby which made him crabby. Yes I have that power. It's one of my many.
It was looking like the end result wasn't going to be good. Especially when I asked the most annoying question on earth. "What do you want for dinner?"

To which the following dialogue ensued.
"What do we have?"
"Not much. We need to go to the grocery store."
"UGH! I HATE GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE!"
"Wow. That's a shock. But we have nothing for dinner or for your lunch for tomorrow. You can pick out whatever you want... (and then the mom light bulb went off) as long as it's under $21"
"$21? Why?"
"Because that's all I have." I said with a smile.
"What do you mean?"
"That's all the money I have."
"Oh my god Mom! That's all you have? Even in the bank?"
"Yep!" I said with a laugh so he wouldn't think I was going to sell all his toys in order to heat the house.

And it worked. He smiled with these wide eyes of fascination.

OK so I fibbed a little. But I did it in the spirit of adventure! I mean it was semi true. That's all the cash I had on me. Doesn't that count? And really, isn't there is something exciting about heading off to the grocery store with only $21 in the whole world and needing to get food? No? I'm insane? Oh. Well so be it.

So off we went with ideas flowing.
"What about cereal?" Ben said
"Well cereal can be expensive. But we can get the generic stuff. That's cheaper."
"And some fruit is cheap."
"Not these days. We'll just check it out and do the math in our heads."

We got to the store and laughed out loud when we automatically went for the cart. "We won't be needing that" I chuckled.
Ben said "We might not even need a basket!"

Even though we go to this store quite often, this time it seemed different. New somehow. We searched high and low for the best deals. Strawberries at $4 a carton were out of the question. But bananas at $.57 a pound were just the thing. And just look at how many we could get!

We got everything we would need for the next two days and cautiously proceeded to check out.

"Self service?" I asked to my partner in crime.
Ben with a serious thoughtful face said "Yes! Because then we won't be embarrassed if we have to put something back."
"Ha! NICE thinkin' kid!"

As we were checking ourselves out we were like two teenagers at a Justin Timberlake concert. Laughing and squealing with everything that ran up. Who knew checking out groceries could be so much fun?!

"OK here come the yogurts."
"ACK! The cereal is a lot!"
"Oh my god Mom! We are at $13.52!"
"And we still have my Lean Cuisine for lunch! Are we going to make it?!"

And we did. When the total came out to $20.43. Ben and I, despite the line behind us, did a high five and took our $.57 change with glee.

We walked out to the car laughing like we had just robbed a bank and so happy with our two bags of groceries.

I honestly think if anything, it was a good lesson to Ben that money doesn't grow on trees. Or on shopping carts.

On the way home, Ben said "Mom, we should be this broke all the time."
Oh ha ha ha... ah... NO!

Hi. My Name Is Becky and I Survived My Son's Birthday Party.

2008-05-18T09:58:00.001-05:00

Ben had his friend birthday party yesterday.

His actual birthday isn't until next Saturday but being the shrewd planner that he is (I wonder where he got that from) he decided to have his "friend" party one weekend and then his family birthday party the next weekend, on his real birthday.

Therefore extending his birthday for a full week. No one said this kid was dumb.

Ben wanted to have his party at a local bowling alley with 10 of his closest friends. Sadly (thank god!) three couldn't make it. So it was just 8 of the most well behaved, calm, sweet bunch of kids.

They all sat quietly with their hands folded in their laps, patiently waiting for their turn to bowl. They didn't speak out of turn and they said their "please's" and "thank you's" at all times.

It was a lovely and modest affair.

Educational and useful gifts were given. And all the children sat still and very quiet as the shy birthday boy opened these wise gifts.

I would like to take a moment to publicly thank my friends Shelly and Emily for their strength, generosity, for not leaving me alone with the Wild Things and mostly for their sheer ability to make the insane, somewhat sane. Because of them, I didn't run out of the bowling alley, arms flailing wildly, screaming obscenities as I played hopscotch on the busy street outside.

I believe for Ben's 9th Birthday I will suggest that he can take one very special friend to the library. Where if they are very good, they can each check out TWO BOOKS!

Listen To Your Turkey!

2008-05-16T08:14:00.004-05:00

Today was "Ride Your Bike to Work Day".

I did not ride my bike to work because I don't have a bike. And let's be honest here. Even if I DID have a bike, I would not have ridden it to work today.

No, I didn't ride my bike. Instead I drove my less than green, gas guzzling, hole in the exhaust, SUV.

As punishment of this clear violation to the earth, Mother Nature and/or Al Gore made a VERY LARGE and VERY SCARY wild turkey run across the street, right. in. front. of. my. car!

This thing was not only insanely ugly, it was very large and very scary. Birds shouldn't be that big and they definitely shouldn't be running out of the woods across a busy street in the middle of a city! I don't think I took a breath for a good 3 minutes.

Thankfully I did not hit this bad Juju that ran in front of my car. If I did I'm sure I would have died from saying the words "OH MY GOD! Ewwww!" too many times in a row. Really. One can die from that. Just look it up!

I know the fact that I didn't hit this large mammal like bird is a sign from Ma Nature and Al. This time was just a warning. In fact I'm pretty sure this Wild Turkey shook it's little claw at me while my loud SUV slammed on the brakes.

So I got the hint. I'm Green. I'm so green that I make Kermit the Frog look pale. I'm not even going to turn the lights on in my office today and you won't catch me printing out any emails. No sir! None.

The Wild Turkey has spoken and I have listened.

If It Walks Like A Duck, Quacks Like A Duck...

2008-05-15T09:18:00.001-05:00

I understand that parts of your body change as you get older. Gravity happens. Fat happens. Life happens. I knew my stomach would change, my ass, my chest… etc.

But my feet! Really?

Over the long cruel winter, under the safety of my socks and boots, my once skinny normal feet have changed. I now present you with an actual picture of my feet taken just this morning.

Yes. I seem to have grown duck feet.

I always knew my feet were crazy flat. It was one of my main excuses for getting out of the military. That and my need for "Love Not War". However in addition to just being flat, over the past year, my feet have seemed to have spread out; horizontally.
A few weeks ago, when I went to try on all my cute strappy summer sandals, they were a little tight. Ok make that very tight.

Weird! How could that be? I must just be swollen for some reason. I'll wear them anyway.

Half way through the day I was begging anyone who would listen to cut my feet off. "Take these evil things off! For the love of everything that is Holy! I don't care how you do it just TAKE THEM OFF!!"

I think I permanently scarred the nice guy at work who takes out our trash.

Last night my mom and I went out shoe shopping. Oh that was fun. The very nice young salesman was trying to get this super cute strappy sandal on my new duck foot. Sadly he was a wuss and gave up early. I half chuckled, half sneered and said with sheer determination "It will fit. Just (grunt grunt) have to (sweating profusely now) get. it. in! Ha, I'm like Cinderella's Ugly Step Sister.. ha ha… it, ah, won't fit."

And my mom, being the love that she is said "oh those shoes are just too narrow. I bet I couldn't get my foot in there either."
Yes you could mom. You aren't part water fowl.

Really, nothing says "I am a HOT young woman" like a pair of sandals where your foot is oozing out the side of a strap. So sexy.
Therefore today I will search online for some super hot, super high heeled, super young, SUPER WIDE DUCK shoes. Because no matter how bad it gets, I will never be caught dead in a sensible orthopedic. What's next? Navy slacks? A tight perm? (I just threw up writing those words)

I think I'll approach Aflac and see if they need a foot body double for their mascot.

Quack.

Quack. Quack.

Bleeding Heart (Liberal)

2008-05-14T07:42:00.001-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

Happy Mother's Day - Take Two

2008-05-13T08:06:00.002-05:00

Remember the time when Mother's Day came and went and I didn't actually say Happy Mother's Day to my Mom but just to myself and others on this blog.

Remember how I felt like crap? Especially when I read all my favorite Mommy Bloggers and they actually said thanks to THEIR MOTHERS! And they didn't have a picture of themselves and THEIR kid?!?!
Yeah. I remember that too.

So without further ado....

Happy Mother's Day to the most amazing and talented artist

to the most gifted gardener

to the MOST loving and generous Grandma

(she made this quilt, people! and has made one for each of her TEN grandchildren!)

and my best friend.

I love you Mommy. And I don't need a Hallmark holiday to tell you. So there!

Almost A Dancer

2008-05-12T07:54:00.001-05:00

Last week as we were leaving the house in the morning, I was grabbing my workout clothes.
Ben saw me doing this and asked "Are those your dance clothes?"
Me: My what?
Ben: Your dance clothes
I laughed
Me: No they are my work out clothes. Honey, why would you think I have dance clothes?
Ben: Because when you come to pick me up, you and Grandma are always talking about your dance clothes.

I'm so confused and then, all of the sudden, a lightbulb goes off and I start laughing so hard I can't talk.

Finally when I get it together I get out,
"Oh Ben. We are talking about our Dansko's. They are shoes. The name of the shoes I am wearing right now is Dansko."
Ben: Oh.
And he laughs.

For one brief moment in time, my kid thought I was a dancer. Sigh.

Happy Mudders Day!

2008-05-10T10:19:00.002-05:00

The boy lays his head in his mother's lap while she strokes his hair.

"Do you love me Mommy?"
"Ooh that's a tough one. Hmmm. (she laughs) Yes I love you. More than anything."
"Do you like me too?"
"Yes. Very much. You are my best friend."
"I don't love or like you."

The mother fakes shock with a sharp intake of breath

"APRIL FOOLS!"
"Don't you mean May Fools?"
"I love you Mommy. So much I can't stand it."

Happy Mothers Day to all the wonderful mothers out there.

I know mine will be great. Just because of him.

Cheating On My Work Husband

2008-05-09T10:46:00.001-05:00

Earlier this week I had lunch with a new friend at work.
This didn't go over well with Josh.

Josh has been with the company for 10+ years and doesn't have many friends at work, besides me. And none that he would actually go to lunch with.
I have been here 7 months and have a new friend. But then again, that's just me.

When I announced that I was having lunch with Kelly, Josh tried to act cool and then just gave up on that one.

Right after singing "Runaway Train" to himself like Michael Scott did on the "Money" episode of the office...

Josh: So where are you going?
Becky: Cheeseburger in Paradise.
Josh: Weird! Me too.

me laughing

Becky: Are you going to sit in your car with your McDonald's and just watch us from afar.
Josh: Um, yeah. You got a problem with that?
Becky: Seriously, do you want to come?
Josh: No. I have plans. With, um, my wife. We are going to Cheeseburger in Paradise.

30 minutes pass

Josh: You know, you don't know if she is your friend yet.
Becky: Who? Kelly? Yes I do. I like her. Ergo, my friend.
Josh: YOU DON'T KNOW! She could eat weird or suck on her teeth when she eats ... or I bet she smells weird!
Becky: She doesn't smell weird.
Josh: Well, you just don't know.

more time passes

Josh: (laughing) I hope Kelly turns out to be the niece of President Bush and doesn't believe in Global Warming either.

After lunch

Becky: Well that sucked. She smelled super bad, is working for the McCain campaign and made me pay for lunch.
Josh: (smiles) Yeah I bet. That should teach you for cheating on me with another co-worker.
Becky: It will never happen again. At least not this week.

The Power of the Bullseye

2008-05-08T07:50:00.002-05:00

I believe everyone has their weaknesses. For some it's shoes. For some it's chocolate. Heck, even Superman had kryptonite. There is something out there that renders even the strongest person weak.

For me, it's a little store called Target. Sigh. Target. Even the name puts a stupid grin on my face.

I always try to deny the power that Target has over me. Every time, before I go, I write out a list. Oh how stupid am I? How naive? Honey, that list that you have been making all these years... really? When has it ever worked?

But none the less, I write out everything I need and only the essentials.
"Toilet paper, antibacterial wipes, socks for Ben, sponges, napkins and laundry detergent."

I park, and walk in through those pearly gates, clenching my list, sure that THIS time, Target won't have the power over me that it always does.

As soon as both feet are through the door, the essense of Target washes over me. It's like a warm feeling that hugs me like a grandma and smells like fresh baked cookies. She ushers me in... gives me a cart even though I insist I just need a little basket for these mere items. OK, fine, I'll take a cart. And before I know it, this force is steering me towards the purses. Oh so pretty. OOH orange! A cute orange purse! I must have it! AND IT'S ON SALE!!

And then, like in a fog, I wander past the jewelry. Necklaces, bracelets and earrings. Oh my!

Don't even get me started on what happens when I near the candle aisle. Who needs an orgasm when there are CANDLES THAT ARE PINK, SMELL LIKE CHERRYBERRYCHEESECAKE AND ARE 30% OFF?!?!?

Once I'm out of the store and back in my car, inevitably the magic wears off and I'm left sitting there with the now wrinkled, torn, sad list and the overwhelming feeling that once again my mission was not accomplished. With a big sigh I say in a little defeated voice, "Crap. It happened again."

There was seriously a time in my life when my finances were less than stellar. Shocking, I know. During those days I literally had to have a chaperon accompany me to Target. When I would start to walk away in a daze towards the shoes my aide would quietly pull me back by the elbow and kindly say "Becky dear, the paper towels are this way."

If it wasn't for Walgreen's (the sad spinster step sister of Target) or the grocery store (yawn), my son would be saying "Mommy, can you please do laundry today? I have nothing to wear!"

"Ah, um, well honey we ah, don't have any laundry soap. Maybe you could wear my new purse to school tomorrow?"
"Well did you at least get some light bulbs? I need to do my homework and the light has been burned out in my room for weeks."
"Ah yeah, about that. It was so weird because Target was all out of lightbulbs! BUT I have something better! Check out this candle...."

My Sister Has Seven. Can't I Keep Just This One?

2008-05-07T08:34:00.001-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

Barely Had Time For This Post

2008-05-06T08:18:00.001-05:00

Is it me or does it seem like there just isn't a spare moment in the day anymore? Everyone seems to be so busy all the time. Even my parents joked last night that Ben is going to have to pencil in time for them since even he is so busy these days.

There is always something to do, somewhere to go, laundry to do, soccer practices to get to, bills to pay, children to bathe, birthday parties to attend, workouts to get in (listen to me. Ha! Those are always the first to get pushed aside) and more laundry to do. It's exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I'm really not complaining. I have a great life but a breather here or there wouldn't be so bad. Right?

And also, whoever took April, please give it back. How is April already over? Am I Rip Van Winkle and I slept through an entire month? Yoo Hoo! April? Where ARE you???
Could someone please explain how it is possible that my son is going to be 8 this month?!? The sheer idea makes me queasy. I swear last week he was 4.

My cousin Amy is planning a trip out here this summer and when we were trying to find time on the calendar for her to come out, it was not an easy task. "Well, we have baseball then and camp then and going to camping with so and so then…"

Maybe I'm just feeling this way lately because spring is finally here, summer is coming and the activities are upon us. Gone are the days of winter hibernation and hunkering down. (again, not complaining - although it's really starting to look that way huh?)

Also, I recently watched Into the Wild - which is a true story about a young guy who gives up everything to live off the land. He has no car, no money, just the belongings on his back. Granted there wasn't a happy ending to this adventure, but there is something so romantic about that notion. Being on your own schedule, doing your own thing when you want and where you want, going wherever the road takes you. Not having to answer the phone or email. Sigh. Heaven right?
Eh, who am I kidding?! I would last 1 week without a shower, my computer, getting my nails done and a really good Mexican meal. Yeah, I know. Make that 3 days. Fine, 2!

I think I just need a weekend with nothing to do and no plans. I think I could pencil that in. Hmmm, I could do that… um, October 11th looks clear.

Or perhaps I could come down with the mysterious SATC Flu. It's a very serious ailment. The only known cure is to sit down to watch back to back episodes of Sex And The City while eating copious amounts Ben and Jerry's. Any flavor will do.

Hey, I'm basically a doctor. Trust me.

Hello Lover!

2008-05-05T10:31:00.001-05:00

Why, HELLO SPRING!

You sure took your sweet time getting here but you were worth the wait!

Damn girl! Check you out. Now I think you're just showing off.

Well done Spring. You are truly a class act all the way. Kind of temperamental and high maintenance at times but when you put your mind to it, you are breath taking.

Oh and above all, thanks. I'm much less likely to want to juggle with knives and fire now that Winter has finally left the building.

A Letter To The Lame Duck

2008-05-03T09:53:00.001-05:00

Dear G Dub,

I got your money today. Yes I'm one of the fortunate people who's social security number ends with 01. My parents always told me to send thank you notes for gifts so, considers this yours.

Thanks.

But I have to say... even though you gave me some money I still don't like you. I never have, I never will. In fact, according to a recent poll, I'm not alone in my thoughts. Turns out you are the most unpopular President in modern American history. This news does warm the cockles of my heart. And you giving me this money doesn't make me like you one bit more. Yes, it's nice but the truth is, it's not going to help the economy or me AT ALL. You do know this right?

I know you aren't very smart and you are completely not in touch with reality so this might be a dumb question but um, have you seen the price of gas!? It now costs me over $50 to fill up my car. Have you seen the cost of produce in the stores? Well of course you haven't so I'll just tell you, they are HIGH!

I was seriously contemplating about putting this money in savings until Obama becomes president (saying a silent prayer right now...) but the truth is, I can't. Thanks to you, my budget for gas and groceries is totally out of whack, I have a cute boy's birthday to throw this month and I have a car that is trying to commit suicide.

So Mr. President, you'll get my money, but I won't like giving it to you. Oh and just for spite, I'm going to use a small amount of it to donate to Obama's campaign and then save some to use when he is in office. It won't be much but it will be my personal way of stickin' it to da man!

Say hi to Laura and the twins for me.

Hugs and Kisses,
Me

The Crazy Bed

2008-05-02T11:17:00.003-05:00

Today at work, a few of us decided to order pizza.

Josh sent out this email:
Here is the pizza plan.
Little Caesar's
1 pepperoni
1 sausage
1 crazy bed = $4.33 per person
sharing it all with work buddies = priceless

Crazy Bread/Crazy Bed. What's the difference really?
I love spell check.
Josh had no idea what was wrong until I wrote back:
I can't wait for the crazy bed! Are we all going to sleep in it or just jump on it?

2 Republicans and 1 Democrat in a Crazy Bed. Priceless!

I Love Lucy

2008-05-01T07:54:00.001-05:00

I have a dog and her name is Lucy.

I'm sure you are all thinking "I didn't know Becky had a dog..."

Well I do.

I mean technically she doesn't live with me and technically I didn't actually buy her or deal with all her puppiness. And technically she lives with my Minneapolis friends, Jen, Clay and Jake.

But Lucy is mine! She knows it. I know it. It's all good.

Lucy is the sweetest. dog. ever. I know there are people out there saying "But but my Fluffy is the sweetest poopy kins ever!" No. Sorry. Fluffy can be number 2 but Lucy is number 1. Trust me on this.

Lucy is not a small girl. Maybe that's why we have such a kinship. Us big girls need to stick together. Her mother was part Polar Bear and her father was part Shetland Pony. And nothing about sweet Lucy is fast. Even her bark, which is rare, is slow and low. "WOOF."

On a different trip up to Minneapolis, when it wasn't SNOWING, I took Lucy on a walk. Before we took off, Jen kindly and softly said "Um, you might want to drop Lucy off at your half way point. I'm not sure she can make it the whole way." No, she isn't 13 with bad hips. She's 5. See? Totally my kind of girl.

Another of the many reasons I love this dog, is that she was instrumental in helping Ben over his fear of dogs. Ben used to be terrified of dogs. Especially big ones. Lucy is a huge pup but so painfully loving and gentle that Ben got over his phobic ways by her being so gentle, slow moving, and not jumping up on him and going all nutty. Now he loves Lucy. In fact on the way home he said "I miss Lucy, Mom." To which I replied, "I know honey. I do too. Soon she will be ours."

I did try to sneak her into the backseat of our car when we left Minneapolis this last weekend, but, again, she doesn't move too fast and didn't pick up on the "Lucy, if you get in the car now I'll give you bacon for the rest of your life!"

The next time I go up there, I'll take Lucy on a walk and just keep on walking. Or if Jen insists on coming (because she does read this blog) I'll just say "Hey Jen! Is that J Lo and Brad Pitt over there selling designer bags for $15 a piece and giving away chips and sour cream!" She'll be so distracted that Lucy and I can just walk away into the sunset. Finally together forever.

(snow photos from Clay Johnston. Check out his beautiful work here.)

Sweet Child O' Mine

2008-04-30T07:31:00.001-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

(great idea taken from Jennifer and others)

Among Other Things, Winter Is Now A Stalker

2008-04-28T15:04:00.005-05:00

It's snowing.
It's April 28th and it's snowing.
It's snowing huge flakes of snow.
This is not ok.
It appears that my letters to winter have done nothing but piss him off to an unprecedented level, that now apparently involves following me from state to state. For that Wisconsin, I am sorry.

The one silver lining to this is... well it is sort of funny. (ducking from the rotten tomatoes being thrown at her by readers)
These are some emails I got today after I emailed my friends: "Please look outside. Then give Mother Nature the finger."
Shelly responded with "I’m already out of my chair, bent over with my pants down and my butt pressed against the window! Take that you little @#$%!"
and Richelle said "I called my mom and she says she prayed that I would have the worst winter ever so I would want to move to Texas, she didn't think God would take her so seriously."

Hang in there folks. It should stop snowing by June. OK maybe July. Then again this might be the first year ever that the 4th of July fireworks are snowed out.
"Mommy, can we go to the pool today?"
"Sure honey! Don't forget your mittens and your new sled!"

Maybe then my office mate would finally believe in Global Warming. Yeah I'm not holding my breath either.

The Land of 10,000 Lakes and a REALLY Good Time

2008-04-27T19:36:00.001-05:00

This past weekend, Ben and I traveled up to Minneapolis to see some of my college friends. My friends Jen and Clay have a son Jake who is exactly 2 months older than Ben. And he has SUCH cool stuff.
It was great fun, despite the rocky beginning. Translation: the Road-Trip-From-HELL. I won't give you the play by play because trust me, there are parts you are better off not knowing. I will tell you it included, in no particular order:

torrential downpours
the child saying after just ONE hour of the 4 1/2 hour car ride "Are we there yet?" and when he was told him we had another 3 hours to go, I thought the guy was going to puke.
massive traffic jams in the middle of nowhere that made the once 4 1/2 hour trip, close to 6 hours
roads that we needed to take being closed
a visit to a ghetto Walgreen's
and yet more traffic jams.

The next morning, good ole Minnesota welcomed us to her fair state with this wonder of nature:

Clearly Winter and Spring still haven't figured out whose turn it is to control the remote.

Please keep in mind that when we left Madison it was 71 degrees. PMS much Spring? Therefore my child had no coat, was wearing shorts and I only brought these shoes.

So yeah. That was fun.

Since doing anything outside was out of the question, we made the GREAT decision to take the boys to The Mall of America. Ah, MOA. Such a place of serenity. Of calm. Of happy parents, quiet children and such reasonable prices. The Mall has this power that as soon as I stepped through those magical doors, the spirit of "Kmart Mom" came rushing over me. Suddenly I grew bad frizzy bleached hair, was wearing green eye shadow, smacking on my gum, carrying my coupons while wearing uncomfortable pumps and tights jeans. All the while screaming at my kid that if he didn't "SHUT UP HE WAS GONNA BE HEARIN' ABOUT IT IN THE PARKIN' LOT REAL SOON!"

We did manage to get through the Nickelodeon Universe park without injury. The boys drove the bumper cars and later Ben and I went on the Log Chute. I don't care how old that ride it, it still rocks!

Finally, when I thought I was the only one that was having sensory overload issues, Jen said through clenched teeth "If we don't get the hell out of here soon I'm going to scream!"

Then there was Saturday night. I soon realized, you can take the girl out of the sorority but you can't take the sorority out of the girl.

Fifteen years may have gone by since our hey days at Kappa Alpha Theta, but you wouldn't have known it by looking at our moves on the dance floor that night. It was as if a time machine took us back to 1993 and we were lookin' goooood. Although I blew my 21 year old cover when I muttered to Anne "I'm going to be so sore tomorrow..."

There is something about being around friends that have known you for such a long time to make you feel centered. Plus, those are the only group of people who call me solely by my last name and still ask if I'm a vegetarian.

We will be back up there soon but first a written legal contract needs to be drawn up between Jen, Clay and I that states they will NEVER again subject us to the horrors of The Mall and my liver needs to do some serious recovering.

A Letter To Ben's Future Wife

2008-04-24T09:15:00.002-05:00

Dear Future Daughter In Law or Little Becky as we like to call you,
(Oh I know you think that it's really weird but Ben and I think it's so cute!!!)

Hi! How's it going with my kid? Good huh? Sorry about his really crooked teeth but when he was little it was either buy gas at $4 a gallon or orthodontia and well, I had to get to the mall and my pedicure appointments!

But he's a great husband, isn't he? Wanna know why? Because I shaped him up good!

*When he wanted to eat his granola bar while going to the bathroom, I said "ah, no."

*When he wanted to get a tattoo of a panther playing a guitar with the words "ROCK ON!" on his bicep, did I rush him to the nearest tattoo parlor? Noooo! I said "Um, maybe wait until you are 20. You might change your mind about the design."

*When he would just dropped his dirty underwear on the floor, I would make him pick it up and put it in the laundry room.

*When he would leave his dishes out, I would make him put them into the sink.

*When he put the ice cream in the sink instead of the freezer, well then I didn't actually say anything because hey, life is hard and confusing.

*The one time that he didn't hold the door open for me, I pitched such a fit, he did it EVERY TIME since then. With a smile.

*The guy actually likes to clean the toilet. So whatever he might tell you, don't let him get away with not doing it.

Really. You are welcome. There is no need to thank me. I'll just take 3 grandchildren. Preferably at least one girl. Oh and could you name her Anna after my grandmother? Thanks!
You know, I think me living with you guys is really working out well. Don't you?

Much Love,
Ma

Oh and p.s. we are out of Diet Coke and Ben and Jerry's S'mores ice cream. You know how I can't go to sleep without that stuff. Oh and for some reason my TIVO isn't recording Rock of Love Season 20. Can you fix it? Um soon?! That poor Brett Michaels still hasn't found his love. It's just so sad. Thanks lovey!

My Salute to Earth Day

2008-04-22T18:33:00.000-05:00

If you do anything in the next 30 days, please watch this movie!

I watched it last night and to say I was effected would be putting it mildly. After I turned off all the lights in the house, planned my move to a "Off The Grind" community, wrote a stern letter to Exxon/Mobil and professed my new love for Leonardo DiCaprio, I texted a friend of mine and said "Oh my god this movie! I'm going to sell my car and plant 100 trees. Tomorrow!"

OK maybe selling my car is a little drastic but I'm definitely reinstating "No Drive Sundays". This is something Ben and I came up with last summer where we didn't use the car at all on Sundays. Winter put a wrinkle in that one but now that the weather is better, there is no excuse.

So please dear readers, I don't ask you for much. Actually I have never asked you for anything! But I am now. Please. On Earth Day, go watch The 11th Hour and then go plant a tree. Or two. And then make someone else watch this movie. Mother Earth, and my future great great grandchildren thank you.

"Global warming is not only the number one environmental challenge we face today, but one of the most important issues facing all of humanity ... We all have to do our part to raise awareness about global warming and the problems we as a people face in promoting a sustainable environmental future for our planet.”
—Leonardo DiCaprio.

In Another Country Just 2 1/2 Hours Away

2008-04-21T18:40:00.003-05:00

*I know this post is long overdue. But between chronicling my amazingly ugly days and destroying my son's childhood fantasies, I haven't had time.

Last week my mother and I went to Chicago where we celebrated my nephew Mendel's Upshernish and OY! What a time! It was full of nakhes and mitsve and mishigas! (translation for all you goyim out there) It was full of joy and good deeds and craziness!

I'll save you all the Google search. An Upshernish is when an orthodox Jewish boy reaches the age of 3, his hair is cut for the first time. This symbolizes the start of his formal Jewish education and the change from no longer being a baby but now a boy. In celebration of this great event, a big party is held where everyone gets a chance to cut a piece of the boy's hair.

This was Mendel's hair, three years in the making.

As many said "G-d must have been mistaken when he gave a boy this hair." Mendel's hair was truly amazing! Many of us were mourning the cutting of such beautiful locks.

(I don't know how he got the cut on his forehead. Neither does his mother. Hey, he's #5 out of 7, with the oldest child being 9. Give the woman a break.)

It was truly amazing to me that we were in downtown Chicago. Just blocks from Lake Michigan and Michigan Ave. You would have thought we were in Eastern Europe with all the men in their long beards, black hats and suits.

The celebration even continued the next morning as Mendel, with his cute new haircut, began his Jewish education, starting with the Hebrew alphabet.

It was a very joyous time and Mendel did great! We were all somewhat worried that he might freak out and not want to take part in any of this. But he surprised us all as he took to all this attention like peanut butter takes to Matzoh. (just a little nod to Passover...) Mendel was always a quiet shy child. It's almost like he was waiting for this time to come, to break out of his shell. I have a new found respect for little Mendel.

My sister and her family live in such a different culture, much of it I don't even pretend to understand. But one thing that I do understand is this is my family. My sister and brother-in-law have been blessed with 7 beautiful children and a community where they feel very supported and happy. So for that I am grateful. I will continue to support them all and be there for all my cutie nieces and nephews and their wonderful events to come.

The Tooth And The Truth Both Came Out

2008-04-19T12:47:00.001-05:00

Last night after a very fun time at the UW Varsity Band concert (Thank you again Katie for the extra tickets!) Ben and I got home very late. We were both exhausted. But apparently not tired enough for Ben to pull his loose tooth out.

Keep in mind this is tooth number 8. For teeth 1-4 we made a pretty big deal out of it. Lots of cheering, lots of examining the new hole in his head, and lots of "WOW! What will the Tooth Fairy bring you?!?!"

For number 8 it went like this:

"Mom, my tooth came out!"
"Cool."
"Yeah, and it's bleeding."
"Yeah, that will happen."
"We need to get a bag for the tooth fairy."

Just the thought of doing the do the whole Tooth Fairy business was too much for this tired old mom. I was so not in the mood to have to wait for him to go to sleep, rummage around to find a dollar, stick it under his pillow, take the tooth, etc. And I thought to myself, "you know, this kid is almost eight..."

"Hey Ben? Do you REALLY believe in the tooth fairy?"
He smiles a HUGE GRIN.
"Yeah. I mean she does give me a dollar each time I lose a tooth."
More smiling from the kid.
"Ben? Can I tell you something?"
Now a chuckle from both of us. "Sure!" he says.
"I'd like you to meet the Tooth Fairy!" and I stuck out my hand for a handshake and we both laugh.
He says "I sort of knew it. But where are all my teeth Mom?"
"My top dresser drawer."

So he runs over, digs and starts to pull out little baggies of tiny teeth.

"WOW Mom! That's sorta gross."
"Tell me about it! So I guess the truth is now out."
"How did you get the tooth out from under my pillow and the dollar in?"
"Well, I'm just that good. Oh and hey, don't let this secret out to any of your friends. They might still believe."
He thinks. Then smiles again and says "I won't. So... where's my buck?"

I told my mother this story today and she laughed and said "Pretty soon you are going to be too lazy to do stocking on Christmas and there goes Santa!"

Well the kid IS technically Jewish...

If You See Me on the Street Today Don't Give Me Your Spare Change

2008-04-18T08:15:00.000-05:00

I got to work this morning and innocently went into the bathroom. Just to look in the mirror and realize there was a 50 year old homeless bag lady looking back at me. Which is SO weird because when I left the house this morning I could have sworn I was a GOOOOOD lookin' 30 something hip mama.

What happened from the confides of my loving bedroom and my kind bathroom mirror to now? Are the lights really that bad in the bathroom at work? Or is it that now I'm awake (Thank you Mr. Coffee!) and can see the harsh reality that is me on this fine Friday morning.

When I got dressed this morning and let myself out of the house, was I sober? Was I sane? Was I of sound mind and body? I think not. Although I'm 99.5% sure I'm sober. How did I think that this baggy sweater, went with the t-shirt underneath? And where did these pants fit into the equation? How did I make sense of the necklace that has NOTHING to do with anything I'm wearing. and DO NOT get me started on my choice of socks and shoes. WTF! I'm so What Not To Wear's wet dream today!

The sad thing is, Josh isn't even here today so I truly feel like the Homeless Bag Lady who is not of sound mind and body as I sit in this office all alone talking to my inanimate object friends. "Mr. Coffee Maker? Do you think I'm pretty? How about YOU Mr. Fax Machine. Do these earring go with this necklace? What do you think of my shoes?"

What happened to me this morning? Usually I am fairly well put together. Maybe the earthquake in Southern Illinois DID effect me!

Well at least I know what I'm doing over lunch, now. REDO!

The Rude Awakening

2008-04-17T10:05:00.001-05:00

Spring is here and with it comes reality. All that winter has masked, Spring unveils.
The snow melts and all the sudden you find that mitten you lost in January.
On come the t-shirts and lo and behold there is all that fat above your elbows you conveniently covered with the winter sweaters and forgot about.
The car that you didn't think sounded that bad, well the windows are now open and the sound coming from below could wake the dead.
Now that the windows are open you remember that you live right by a hospital and wow, those sirens are loud! Not to mention your neighbors. Were they always that loud and do they live OUTSIDE?!

Spring should be called what is really is. The season of Time To Deal With Your Shit. There is Summer and Fall and Winter and Dealing With Your Shit.

I love Spring. I do. But sometimes I realize I'm not ready for this level of truth and reality.
When did my toes and heels get that ugly?
Why won't these crop pants fit me now?
Is my floor really that bad? In the bright spring sunlight it looks like I haven't cleaned all winter.

And perhaps I haven't. Such is the glory of winter. Yes I know. I do hate The Winter. BUT the one solace that winter has is that everything can easily be covered up. Even the most productive person can be truly lazy and it's 100% acceptable. It's even recommended at times.

Eh, we have no groceries. But I'm not going out. Did you see it's raining ice? Better order a pizza!
I can't possibly go to the gym! The weather man told me NOT TO LEAVE MY HOUSE! He's almost a scientist. He knows what he's talking about.
All this snow and cold makes me want to eat. Lots of warm fatty food. It's OK. It's winter. My turtleneck sweaters and sweat pants will cover it all.

But this behavior is finite. It ends. It ends when the birds start to chirp, the grass turns green, cute little flowers are poking their heads out of the ground. And then, everything is out in the open.

It's like we are these half Homer Simpson, half bear creatures emerging from our winter hybernations, yawning while scratching our big bellies. We lumber out of the cave of winter, into the bright light of spring. We wait for our eyes to adjust to the sun as we take in all the wonders that come with the new season. Until spring, who has taken on the form of Cher from Moonstuck comes up to us and slaps us square in the face and yells, "SNAP OUT OF IT!"

You heard her! Get those pedicures! Get to the gym! Fix those loud cars! And tell those neighbors to SHUT. UP!

Get going! Summer will be here before we know it.

Lost 4 pounds and 2 sizes

2008-04-15T08:10:00.000-05:00

My little guy has some serious hair. You would have thought I mated with a horse, as his hair is almost the consistency of a mane. It is crazy thick. I could bet all the money I had that every time we get his hair cut, the stylist will say something to the effect of "wow, he has a lot of hair" Yep. He does. Thanks for pointing that out. Would you also like to point out that Brett Favre retired or that the sun is shining?

Ben hates to have his hair cut because he so badly wants to look like this guy. In case you aren't familiar with the stud muffin below, this is Anakin Skywalker

The thing is, Ben's hair grows UP not DOWN. And it's just so massive who knows what creatures might be living in there. Also I think it almost starts to distort his head. Makes it look like he has this HUGE mushroom head. And trust me, his head is big enough that he doesn't need any help of the hair.

It had finally gotten to the point that something needed to be done.

This is the BEFORE shot:

And this is after:

(he's pointing at his hair in this picture, not the ghost like thing that showed up. CREEPY!)

He looks less than pleased. But trust me, I'm thrilled. I have my kid back.

Speaking of hair cuts, my mom and I are off to Chicago today to partake in my nephew Mendel's 3 year old haircutting ceremony or Upshernish as it's called. This is one of those times that I love Google because instead of me trying to explain it, you can read about it here!

Does He Know Something I Don't Know...

2008-04-14T18:14:00.002-05:00

When picking up Ben from my parents house today he came running at me full speed ahead and gave me the biggest hug the little guy could muster.
"MOMMY!"
"Hi Cutie!"
"MOMMY! You are leaving tomorrow!!" he said while still hugging.
"Honey, I'm just going for one night. I'll be back on Wednesday. I'll even be back in time to take you to soccer practice."
"But I'm going to miss you soooo much!"

[In the car on the way home]

"What do you want for dinner? Mac and cheese and green beans or mini corn dogs?"
"Um, what's the other choice?"
"There is no other choice"
and then mustering up his best dramatic voice "But Moooom, this is out last night together. Let's go out to eat!"
"Honey, I just got back from the gym. I'm all sweaty and gross"
"But we need to make this night SPECIAL. Please!"
"Wow, really? Honey, it's ONE night. It's like having a sleep over at Grandma and Grandpa's house."
"But it's longer than that. It's like 1 1/2 days!!!"
"Fine, how about Subway?" (Trainer Bob would be so proud)
"and then Dairy Queen, Mommy?"
DOH! Scooby Doo hypnotized eyes. Did someone say DQ?!!?
"OK!"
"Then we will go home and snuggle."
"Dude! We are SO getting DQ!"
"You're kinda weird Mom."

You might be thinking to yourself, "Wow that kid just played her like a fiddle."
Oh no Grasshopper. I don't have to cook dinner, therefore there are no dishes to do, AND I'm getting me some DQ! Who wins NOW!?

Google THIS!

2008-04-13T14:17:00.001-05:00

When I was a kid, WAAAAY back in the day, and I asked my parents a question they didn't know, they would simply say "I don't know" or worse "Look it up in the dictionary." And pluheeez, what kid actually did that? I know! The smarty pants who developed GOOGLE!

Now don't get me wrong. I love me some Google. I use it like an addict every day. Even if I know the website, eh, it's easier just to Google it. (Plus they have cute employees!)

However as a mother, Google is my nemesis.

First off, now when Ben asks me a question that I don't know, I can't simply pass it off as "Don't know kiddo..." or "Look it up in your set of encyclopedias that Aunt June gave you..." For one, he doesn't have an Aunt June and secondly we don't even own a dictionary not to mention any encyclopedias. So I'm stuck with the response from him of "Well, Google it!"

Case and point, the other evening I was IM'ing with my cousin Amy when Ben asked "What's a Nova?"
"Ah, a star sort of"
"Well is it a star or not?"
"Oh Honey I really don't know."
"Well, Google it!"
"But I'm chatting with Amy"
"Just open another tab and Google it quick"
"Are you 17 or 7?"
"Mom!!"
"Fine. A Nova 'is a cataclysmic nuclear explosion caused by the accretion of hydrogen onto the surface of a white dwarf star.'"
"OK now what is a Nova Dragon?"
"A what?? Oh. My. God! are you serious? I have no idea what a Nova Dragon is."
"GOOGLE IT MOM!"

You see where this is going.

Secondly, you can no longer pass things off as if they don't exist. When your child asks "Let's find a computer game where you can create your own pirate."
Before the Google days I could say "Oh young ignorant child. No such things exist."
Now it's "Mom, I'm going to Google 'Create Your Own Pirate.'" I'm sure you are SHOCKED to find out I recently had to take my computer in for a huge virus clean up. Now freelance Googling is not allowed - which brings us back up to the first point.

You see, Google? You may make life easier for some but for me, you're a pain in the tush.
Maybe I should sue them for Mental Anguish just like these folks did.

Then again, Google isn't a company I would want to piss off. Can you imagine making THEM mad?

"I'm going to Google where the nearest Macy's is. WHAT!? The closest one is in Tallahassee? Weird. I could have sworn there was one in Madison. Well what about Crate and Barrel? Why is it taking me to www.yousuck.com?"

On second thought. Hi Google. Not really mad. Have you lost weight? You look SO SKINNY!

Hippo Bird-Day to Ewe, Pop!

2008-04-11T07:30:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday Professor!

Thank you for being the BEST father...

And the best Grandpa anyone could ever hope for.

I love you wider than the ocean
and deeper than the sea
and more than tongue can tell.

We Gave Back

2008-04-10T08:25:00.001-05:00

Last night I got suckered into watching American Idol Gives Back. Trust me. This show had some serious SUCK YOU IN abilities. It's one of those evil things where you say all cocky like "I'm just going to watch it while I pick up the living room." 2 hours later you are still sitting there, on the couch sucking your thumb and muttering things in a monotone voice like "But Bono is going to be on and he's in AFRICA!"

There we were, Mother and Son sharing some quality time in front of the boob tube. At one point, while tearing up watching these children in Africa dying of Malaria because they didn't have mosquito nets to keep the bugs away, I looked over at Ben. There he was, freshly bathed in his highness's Bath and Body Works bubble bath, wearing his clean and cozy Land's End pajamas while playing his Nintendo DS. To say I had a pang of massive guilt would be putting it mildly. So I said "Hey, I want you to put that down and watch some of this with me. We are VERY fortunate. Look at those poor poor people." So he did. And soon he too got that Scooby Doo hypnotized look, until he snapped out of it and said "MOM! We have to call and give them some money!"

Now normally I'm the "I don't give money just time and blood" type. Really, I am the Red Crosses dream come true. I have 0 neg, and I'm lousy with the stuff. Plus needles don't bother me so every time there is a blood drive at work, I'm one of the first to sign up.
Unfortunately American Idol didn't want my blood. They just wanted my cold hard cash. Or rather my credit card number. And how could I possibly say no since I was getting it from both sides. My own flesh and blood looking up at me with THOSE EYES and then from those darling kids thousands of miles away. They were also giving me The Eyes. My Super Powers don't stand a chance when there are kid's big eyes involved.
Plus the idea of calling and possibly getting to talk to one of the top 12 American Idols was WAY worth the money. I wanted nothing more than to get Brooke White on the phone and say "Look sister, I'm going to give you some cash but first you are going to listen to me and LISTEN GOOD! Get a stylist who isn't on crack and do it soon. oh and p.s. STOP CRYING ALL THE FRICKIN' TIME!"
Well much to our annoyance the lines were busy. All the time! Nice planning Fox. Next time you get Myle Cyrus asking you to call in, get more LINES!
Have no fear! Ryan Seacrest to the rescue! "Folks, if you can't get through on the phone lines you can go to http://www.americanidol.com/"

So we did. And we gave. Not a lot (as I'm not Simon Cowell for god's sake) but enough for a mosquito net in Kenya. And you know what? It felt really good.

Gettin' His (ice cream) Fix, Any Way He Can

2008-04-09T09:10:00.001-05:00

Sunday night after dinner with friends, Ben and I were supposed to go to the grocery store as all we had in the house was popcorn, green olives and mustard. "Ben darling! Dinner is ready! We are having your favorite tonight! Mustard olive popcorn casserole. Or MOP as Aunt Shelly calls it"

But since both of us loathe going to the grocery store - hence the dire straights we were in - we chose to go to Dairy Queen instead. I do really like this kid.

On our way home with our ice creams clenched in our paws, Ben said "Grandpa and I used to come to Dairy Queen every time I had a sleep-over. We haven't done that in awhile."

I smiled and replied "Well you should remind him of that honey."

Ben thought and said "Yeah, I will do that tomorrow. We would go get a video and then go to Dairy Queen and get vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce and then go home and eat our ice cream while watching the video."

Even typing this now, it makes me smile. Among many other wonderful things, my Dad is the definition of consistency.

I said "You know what? When I was little and Aunt Debby was at her piano lessons, Grandpa would take me to what is now Macy's but was then Gimbel's and they had a restaurant where the boys clothes are now. Grandpa and I would sit at the counter and have the exact same sundae. Vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce."

Then it dawned on me and I exclaimed "Hey! I think Grandpa is USING us to get his ice cream fix!!!"
Ben laughed and said "Yeah! He's scared to eat ice cream alone so he has to take us with him."

Whatever the reason, thanks Pop for the sundaes and the memories. For both Ben and I.

Puppy or Boy?

2008-04-08T08:26:00.000-05:00

I have never been one to segregate boys from girls. Ben could always play with whatever he wanted. In fact there was one point, much to my father's chagrin, where Ben fell in love with "My Pretty Pony". So my mom and I got him a big pink and purple horse. The kid loved it. And why shouldn't he?
I have, however, found there is one profound way in which girls and boys are different. Their energy. My sister has 7 kids (that's a post for another time) 5 are girls and 2 are boys. Her oldest boy is now 4. For the longest time, she couldn't figure out why after a Sunday of being inside the house all day he would go up and attack an innocent younger sibling or just walk over to his sister and throw down her artwork. The kid was purposely trying to pick a fight. Why? Just because he was bored and his boy juices were taking over. My mom finally told her "Debby, you need to run him!"

Not all boys are like this. My guess is that it's about 70% of the population of young boys need to have this energy in them worked out. Some are content just reading, watching TV, drawing all day. Ben isn't one of those. There were times this winter when I couldn't handle the caged animal that was in my house who was literally jumping off the walls.

So I would take him to the park across the street with one instruction. "Child. Run! and RUN HARD!" After 20 minutes of running and flopping and tackling the snow, he would be sane again. All his little nerve endings happily tucked in once more.

While in Seattle, my cousin Dan's wife Kate understood this phenomenon... as she has two puppies of her own. One day while we were there, we had a lovely lunch and then afterwards she asked "What do you guys want to do now?" I looked at her longingly and said "Um, I really need to run Ben." Luckily, she not only didn't think I needed to be committed. Instead she looked at me and smiled and said "I understand completely." So we off we went to this great park with the puppies tucked in their car seats in the back, panting for their soon to be freedom. We got to the park and they were off.
At one point Kate said "Hey Ben! How fast can you run to that tree way over there?" He replied "SUPER FAST!" "OK, let's see... we'll time you!" When he ran and then came back, I said "40 seconds! Good job!" Kate, being the very smart mom that she is said "WHAT? That wasn't fast! I think you can do that faster!" Sigh. Kate. She is a Wild Boy Whisperer. After five races to the far off tree and back, Ben was finally winded. And I hugged Kate.
This is Ben and his friend Joe who came over to play on Sunday. I ran them. And when they wanted to come inside to play Nintendo I said "Nope, not yet. Your tongues aren't hanging out and you aren't grasping at your chests desperatly trying to get some air." Joe looked at Ben and said "Your mom is weird."

So dear readers, for the love of everything in your home, including the sibling that doesn't want to get hit in the face because she breathed wrong, or the family pet who doesn't want to be ridden like a wild bull or even for the new antique dresser that you just bought who doesn't want to be climbed on like Mount Everest, RUN YOUR BOYS! And when you think they are tired, RUN THEM AGAIN!

A Letter To The Streets of Madison

2008-04-07T08:14:00.001-05:00

Dear Streets,
Hi. How are you? No really, how ARE you?

I know it's been a really hard winter. It has for all of us. I understand it has been especially difficult for you with all the salt and sand and those heavy snow plows running on you day after day. Not to mention the ice that was just stuck on you for months at a time. It was bad. I know. Try not to think about it.
But um, well this is awkward but, Streets, honey, you are falling apart and I'm worried. Truly worried.
Today on the way to work, I hit a pot hole the likes of the Grand Canyon. When I hit it, it sounded like a gun shot hit the car. I don't really need to tell you how Blade is in a very fragile state these days and he doesn't need this added stress.
I guess I'm just asking and pleading for you to hang on. You are strong! You are CONCRETE for God's sake! Don't you forget that! Don't wither away before those handsome worker men can get out there and repair you. Hold on to what you got! You can do it. I know you can.

Sincerely,
A Believer In the Strength of the Streets!

*Constantly counseling the inanimate objects in my life is getting to be exhausting. I'm like the Dr. Phil of all things not real.

The First Chapter of Ben and Stella

2008-04-05T09:25:00.003-05:00

Ben and Stella met in 2002 when they both attended the same preschool. Stella's mom and I become fast friends as we were both doing this motherhood thing on our own and therefore had a lot in common. Not to mention, she had the cutest 2 year old girl I had ever seen.

It also took Ben and Stella maybe 5 minutes to become good friends. Right from the beginning they were laughing together, getting into all sorts of mischief together and just being babies together. (anyone under the age of 4 is a baby to me)

From an early age, Emily and I would take turns having the little punks over to each other's homes so the other single mom could get a breather.

One of the things I loved about Ben and Stella's friendship from early on was that they never had the boy/girl gap. They were just best friends. And since neither of them had siblings, they played that role for each other as well.

There were never questions of "Where is your Dad?" or "Why do you just have a mom?" and for that I was always grateful. It was just so easy for the two of them. Effortless.

Birthdays were always celebrated together. Camps were attended together. They stayed in the same class together all through preschool and then stayed friends after preschool. Through it all Ben and Stella were thick.
Unfortunately, sometimes adults don't play as nice as kids. Emily and had a "break up" for reasons so ridiculous we can easily laugh at it now. We weren't in touch for over a year. Recently we reconnected and at first I was worried that perhaps, now that they were older and had their own sets of friends, Ben and Stella might have a harder time getting their special connection back. I was clearly very wrong as just like the first time they met, it took about 5 minutes for these two to pick up where they left off. During their time apart, they both grew taller, skinnier, have lots less teeth and have moved from loving Barney to Soulja Boy. But other than those superficial differences, they are exactly the same.
Watching them recently pick up as if no time as passed has reminded me that good friendship's are such a gift. I truly hope that these two understand that notion when they are older and never forget these precious times. Something tells me they won't as they have a pretty good start.

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.

'Pooh,' he whispered. 'Yes, Piglet?'

'Nothing,' said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, 'I just wanted to be sure of you.'”

My Baby Done All Growed Up

2008-04-03T18:11:00.000-05:00

Ben is growing up before my eyes. Last night I looked over the dinner table at my boy as we were talking about the next National Holiday - his 8th Birthday - and I almost got sick. He's going to be EIGHT! That's so close to TEN! He's so big! Where did my baby go?
Just the other day he asked my parents to measure him. They have a wall in their kitchen with every one's heights on it. Sadly mine from childhood has been painted over. I see how I rate. But on there now are all the Madison grandsons.
My mom went into the kitchen to measure Ben while my dad and I were hanging out in the dining room. Soon after we heard my mom exclaim "Oh my god Ben! You have grown so much since August!" Proud Grandpa and I went in to see that indeed young Master Sewell has grown almost 3 inches since August 10th 2007! No wonder all his pants look like Capri's. I said "Wow guy! Did that hurt?!"

The major event that spurred the "I NEED TO BE MEASURED" episode was… dun dun dun… Ben got TIE SHOES! Yes I realize in back in my day there was no other alternative to tie shoes as Velcro wasn't even invented. We had a horse and buggy and I had to walk up hill BOTH ways to school in the freezing rain and snow. Everyday! But these days, ties shoes are for the elite children. Also known as kids whose parents aren't painfully lazy and can't take time away from their blogs and Oprah to teach their kids how to tie their darn shoes.

Things had gotten so desperate that on his 6th birthday, his friend Stella had to tie his bowling shoes for him. Clearly she has one of those "good" mom's.

Finally the whining and pleading from Ben to get tie shoes won over. Also the fact that the little dude is almost 8 and if I didn't teach him to tie shoes, Social Services would be knocking at my door saying "Ma'am, we have a complaint that there is an almost 8 year old boy in this house who reportedly can't ride a two-wheeler bike, doesn't like grilled cheese, won't drink or even taste soda and he CAN'T TIE HIS SHOES! He'll have to come with us."

So again being the very involved supportive and UN-LAZY mother that I am, my parents took him shopping on Friday night while I was out and about on the town. They bought him the coolest TIE SHOES EVER and even taught him to tie his shoes. (Thanks Dad!!!) If you want to stop here and go nominate me for Mother Of The Year Award, please do. I'll be here. Waiting.
Although, hey! I am the one who has documented this major occasion and published it on The Internets for all the world to see. So take that!

Check out that technique?!?!
And nope. You aren't seeing things. You are really witnessing the coolest second grader on the planet.

But Ben? Could you just stop now? Stop growing up. Right now!
OK?
Please?
I'll buy you a pony!

Thanks.
Love Mom.

The Tortoise and The Hare

2008-04-02T09:24:00.001-05:00

Amy has inspired me to get in shape. She just recently started running and when I was in Seattle I saw how much she loves it and how great she feels. Therefore, I will emulate her. I have started a hearty exercise routine. 3 days a week I'm going to the gym, 3 days a week I'll walk and soon to be run. And once I actually get to all those days of continuous exercise, I will definitely let you know.
Yesterday I got to my parents house after work to see if my mom wanted to walk with me. Since she already walked, I was ready to go alone. Until my spry little child said "I'll go with you Mommy!"
"OK great but you have to really move honey. This is Mommy's exercise. No dawdling… OK?"
"OK!"
Out we go. Again I have to remind him to not trail behind. "Remember honey, I really want to get some- "
and he was already off! He ran up to the corner and waited for me.
"Sometimes when I think I'm going to get cold I run!"
I'm all, well this won't last for the whole walk.
Wrong.
Oh so very wrong.
Early on I realized, I am the Tortoise. He is the Hare. Except I wasn't going to win this race.

At the bottom of this huge hill, I prepared myself for the haul up. Ben took off RUNNING. UP. THE. HILL! and again waited for his Tortoise of a mother to huff and puff her way to the top.
Once up there, and onto the next block he called "Race ya to the corner" To which I replied, "OK, I'm coming to get-" And just like that he was already AT the corner, playing with a stick he found and digging up worms.

The child hopped, skipped, ran, twirled and TALKED the whole way of the 45 minute walk. Never ONCE out of breath.
At one point when we were on the bike path and the wind was blowing it's Gail forced winds directly at us. I leaned in, head down, determined to keep going. Stupidly I thought Ben would be behind me doing the same. All the sudden out of the corner of my left eye I see this blur of a 57 lb boy come flying by me arms outstretched shouting something about being the "King of the Wind!" As I muttered to myself "You have GOT to be kidding me. What did this kid eat for lunch?"
When we finally got back to my parents house, he exclaimed "That was fun Mommy! Let's do that again!"

"Hey. How many recesses do you guys have at school?"
"Three! Why?"
"No reason."

Old goal: work out 5-6 times a week, lose 20-30 lbs, feel great, look great, blah blah blah.
New goal: Just keep up with the kid.

A Letter To The WORST MOST STUPID DAY EVER!

2008-04-01T09:16:00.000-05:00

Dear April Fools,
You suck.
You are seriously. not. funny. In fact you are painfully annoying. I would rather have 12 Valentines Day's in a row than one of you (and trust me A.F.D that's saying A LOT!) My new favorite day of the year isn't Halloween (sorry Halloween if you are reading this… I really REALLY love you… Miss you!) it's April 2nd. Why? Because then I don't have to deal with April 1st for 364 more days!

I think I have a fairly good sense of humor but I can honestly say, you aren't funny. Being on edge and not trusting your friends and family ALL DAY because they might pull a prank on you?!? How is that funny? What happened to you as a young Holiday? Were you overweight with bad acne and the uncool jeans? Did you not have a date to the school dances? Were you never picked first for gym class so this is how you get repay us for the rest of eternity?

I have had to deal with you for 36 years and I'm telling you, it's not getting any better.
Maybe my true disdain for you started when I was 7 or 8. Getting ready for school, minding my own business when I heard my beloved father scream from the kitchen. I flew down the steps, three at a time, to see what was wrong. Only to find my father standing in the kitchen holding his bloody finger in a box and screaming "OH MY GOD! I CUT IT OFF!!!!!!!" After I passed out and came to there was my sweet dad looking down on me smiling and saying "April Fools Honey!" I'm not sure I ever truly forgave him for this act and I blame it on you, A.F.D.

I also blame you for today:
*my kid telling me his favorite and most expensive pair of jeans ripped this morning. APRIL FOOLS!
*my child and I chasing down the bus through the streets of Madison, said child wearing the NON RIPPED jeans.
*me not wearing a coat today thinking it would be 50 when, no, that's tomorrow, the high will only be 32 today.
*the receptionist telling me on my way to my office - had I heard? Barack Obama dropped out of the race! APRIL FOOLS!
*my friend Emily calling me and leaving a message "oh too bad you aren't there, Stella and I were going to play an April Fools joke on you…" Thank god I was in the bathroom and couldn't get to my phone.
And this is ALL BEFORE 10 AM!

Why can't you be more like other firsts of the month? New Year's Day? Lovely. May Day? Sigh, enough said. Why must you insist on being a pain in the ass?

I truly can not wait to see what else you have in store for me today you Useless-Excuse-for-a Mock-Oliday.

Signed,
Not A Fan

Why God Created Girlfriends

2008-03-31T15:37:00.003-05:00

Over email today at work:

Becky: My stomach is very, ah, bubbly today!
Shelly: Uh-oh. Did you eat a battery? (after I told her about a 3 yr old who ate a battery)
Becky: No but I had a Diet Pepsi Max and some Peeps! Which is a recipe for a very bubbly tummy!
Shelly: Oh my God. I just pictured them swelling in your tummy as they float in the carbonated pool. Bright pink and yellow expandable birds with their little black eyes getting larger and larger.
Becky: and them saying in muffled voices "peep! PEEP!!!"
Shelly: Bumping up against one another….
Becky: If you think this isn't going to be a blog post you are so wrong!

Diet Pepsi - $1.25
Peeps on clearance at Walgreen's - $.25
Telling your best friend about the bizarre noises your stomach is making after eating such disgusting items and having her TOTALLY UNDERSTAND - PRICELESS

How To Clean Your Room Like a 36 Year Old Woman

2008-03-30T10:11:00.003-05:00

*After critiquing my son's fine cleaning techniques I decided to take an honest look at myself and see where he might get his cleaning abilities:

1) Realize there is a problem with the current state of cleanliness of your room and agree to tackle that problem. Right after another cup of coffee.

2) When all the coffee in the house and the entire apartment complex is gone and you are buzzing like a bee… mentally organize how you are going to clean up said room. It's bad. It looks like the closet vomited all over your floor. Do some Yoga moves to try calm down.

3) Decide to start in one corner and work your way through. Now… which corner? Ooh! How about the one with the computer in it?! Check a couple blogs while you are deciding if this is the really the best corner to start in.

4) OK enough is enough. Finally decide to pick the corner with the big pile of clothes on the floor. Determine whether they are clean or dirty. Get your kid to smell them.

5) Find the clean laundry pile. Start to put the clothes away. One at a time in your closet. Ooh look! THERE ARE THOSE SHOES!

6) Try them on. So cute!

7) Find just the right pants to go with the newly discovered shoes.

8) Prance around the room in "new" shoes and cute pants while singing along loudly to Brittany Spears "Gimme More"

9) OK back on task. Begin to fold the child's laundry which is now all over your bed. Ooh IM bell went off! Race to computer to see who messaged.

10) 30 minutes later, go back to pile of clean clothes. Fold. Fold. FOLD MORE! Sprain your arm from patting yourself on the back for making such good head way.

11) Oh! Was that my cell? It IS my cell. Hmmm, where is my cell? "Ben! Where is my cell?"

12) Decide that finding your cell phone is much more important and urgent that dealing with the messy room and the laundry. You ARE the adult after all. Finish it tomorrow.

Don't GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT!

2008-03-28T08:01:00.003-05:00

Awhile ago, my son very lovingly and very randomly named our 2001 Isuzu Rodeo, "Blade". This made me laugh hysterically when Ben first came up with this name because our car is so NOT a Blade. He couldn't be further from a Blade. Harry or Rudy, perhaps, but not Blade. Blade to me is like a sleek black bitchin' Camero. Not a tomato red SUV. But Blade he is.
We LOVE Blade. In fact throughout this past brutal winter, Blade has gotten Ben and I through some pretty bad weather. After one really tricky snowy afternoon, when I pulled old Blade into his stall in our garage, Ben literally got out of the car and hugged him. My son hugged the car. Yes, I am fully aware that this child needs a pet. And soon!

Blade and I have an understanding. After 6 years together he knows I don't like to wear my seat belt and he doesn't say anything about the matter. He just shines his little seatbelt light in hopes that I do put my seatbelt on but he doesn't insist on it. He's the sturdy quiet type. I can feel his love. He doesn't need to shove it in my face.

Sadly, however, Blade is getting old. Very old. Recently I just spent an arm and a leg getting a new windshield/roof for him as his old one rusted out and therefore water was raining from the roof of my car. It was as lovely as it sounds.

Now he has decided to do something funky with the back brake light and make a VERY loud noise from below. I'm waiting for it to get so bad that I turn people's heads when I drive by. If they cover their ears and cringe, it's time to take him in. Until then... he's just loud.

The thing is, I feel like he's giving up on me. I feel like, Blade wants it to all be over. Should I call a crisis line? "I think my car is going to commit suicide!"

Well mister, you can THINK AGAIN! You are paid off my dear. You hear me? PAID OFF! You are MINE! ALL MINE! And Ben and I need you. I'm not ready for a fancy younger model. So dear Blade, get a grip! Pull yourself my your seatbelt straps!! You aren't even to 100,000 miles! To some you are still a spring chicken! What do I need to do to get you to snap out of this funk? Do you need a good washing? A new air freshener? A good waxing? You name it buddy and it's yours!

I won't let you go. I'll pour more money into you if need be. Ben and I will eat Ramen noodles for a month if that's what it takes.

I often feel like Blade and I are in that scene from Titanic. He's in the icy water, ready to go under and I'm on a door floating in the water.

Blade: I love you, Becky.

me: Don't you do that, don't say your good-byes. You must do me this honor, Blade. Promise me you'll survive. That you won't give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless. Promise me now, Blade, and never let go of that promise.

Blade: I promise.

me: Never let go.

Blade: I'll never let go. I'll never let go, Becky.

Clearly I'm in desperate need for a pet too. Or a love life.

Mother Mikkimoto Parenting Tip

2008-03-26T17:56:00.001-05:00

When your child is small and he has twinkle eyes and cheeks like this:

and curls like that,
take pictures and keep them readily available.

So when he looks like this:

and says things like "MOM! I don't want to talk about it! OK!!?" or "FINE! MOM! Just STOP!" and then gives you an eye roll so big it shifts the gravitational pull of the moon....

you can look back at this picture of your sweet little imp when he was little and didn't talk back

and therefore you will be not be so tempted to put him on a unheated train car headed to Eastern Europe where he will be adopted by Evzen and Eliska and will spend the rest of his days working on their potato farm.

Of course I'm kidding. I'd make sure his train car was heated. Sheesh... what kind of mother do you think I am?

For Josh's Sake

2008-03-25T19:01:00.001-05:00

I have terrible luck with men. Really, it's just… bad! I seem to have a knack at picking the crazies, narcissists or the ones who are scared by their own shadow. And it seems as if the past six months have been particularly unlucky. Or maybe I'm just seeing this through the eyes of Josh.

Josh is my co-worker. Actually to call him my "co-worker" is putting it mildly. More accurately, Josh = my work. We sit in a fairly small office, and it's just the two of us in there. In fact it's just the two of us in this whole small department. If he is gone, I'm alone. Yes there are other people in the building but those are just "Hi, how are you?" people. You get the idea.
Luckily we get along great even though we really have nothing in common. Besides our differences on religion, politics and Global Warming (which I have now forbid us to talk about) our love lives couldn't be more different. Josh married his high school sweetheart and other than one other girl that he dated briefly in middle school, he has had this one wonderful woman in his life for 12+ years. People, the guy is only 29.
Then there is me. I now laugh at what the Universe has doled out to me as far as my love life goes. But for Josh, watching and living through this has been a painful experience for him as the men in my life seem to come and go. Quickly.

To me, it's like a clumsy person stubbing their toe all the time. Yeah it hurts for a minute but you get over it quickly. For poor Josh, he's getting a toe amputated each time one of these so called relationships of mine fail.
This last one might have put the poor guy over the edge.

I really thought this latest guy, I'll call "Jack", might have had potential and might have lasted longer than 2 weeks. I even declared before my trip to Seattle "Josh, I think I might be officially off the market!" It was a happy time in our little office.

Until yesterday.
Josh came in Monday morning and said "So… how was the birthday party? "Jack" came right? You guys had a great night, RIGHT?!?!"

There was silence.

Josh: Becky?
Me: Um… no. He didn't show up.
Josh: WHAT? WHY?!?!
Me: Well, he said he was sick.
Josh: Oh OK. Whew.
Me: Um, but I haven't heard from him since.
Josh: Uh oh. That isn't a good sign. What did you do?
Me: HEY! I did nothing! Really! But yeah, I don't have a great feeling about it either. I'll email him and see what's going on.

3 hours later

Me: (sharp intake of breath) What!? JERK! Whatever!!!
Josh: Oh no... What?!
Me: Oh "Jack" and I are really done now.
Josh: NO!!! What happened? Are you kidding? TELL ME EVERYTHING!!!!

Like the stubbed toe, I was upset but was even starting to get over it as the end of the work day approached. At one point I looked back at Josh who was just sitting at his desk with his head in his hands. He said in an exasperated voice and almost talking to himself "I don't know what to tell you Becky. I don't know what it is. What can I do but to offer a shoulder to cry on?"

After work I went to the gym and then hung out with my cute kid to dull the pain. The pancakes I made for dinner didn't hurt things either.

Josh, on the other hand, didn't bounce back as easily from this one. This morning he came into the office and didn't say "Good morning" Didn't even say "Hi." First thing out of his mouth was "OK I have been thinking about this. The next guy you date, do the EXACT OPPOSITE of whatever you have been doing."

"OK, and what would that be?"

"I don't know. Just DO IT!"

I have a first date on Thursday night. For Josh's sake, I really hope it goes well.

1 Year Closer to 40

2008-03-24T19:14:00.001-05:00

Another birthday has come and gone. And what a fine one it was.

Saturday night I had dinner out with great girlfriends at my latest favorite restaurant.

Then we moseyed (I guess when you are this old you mosey places) to another fun party at a bar downtown with old friends and new.

This guy was new.

So was this one.

Oh and here's another new one. This one was REALLY weird too. Came up to our table, said hello and then asked us all what our favorite temperature was. Then he asked another friend of mine if she liked to canoe. That's why Richelle looks so pleased to have her picture taken with this odd fellow.

I guess this is the face you make when you turn 36.

OMG! How old am I now?

Finally yesterday my loving parents threw me a family birthday party on my actual day of birth.

As you can see, they think of me as a very serious and mature woman.

Yep. You read the cake decoration right. It does say "Barbie" and it rocks!!!

So thanks 35 for keeping me company for 365 days but I'm ready to see what 36 has in store.

An Early Morning Conversation With a Very Religiously Confused Boy

2008-03-23T20:20:00.004-05:00

Mommy, for your birthday, let's go to a bakery to get doughnuts!

Ooh, good idea! But they might not be open because it's Easter.

It's Easter!? TODAY?!?

Yep.

Why don't we celebrate Easter? I want to!

Well honey, we are Jewish and Easter is a Christian holiday.

We are part Jewish and part Christian.

Actually, no. We are ALL Jewish.

But we celebrate Christmas.

*long pause*

Hmmm, ah yes we do but that's because we believe in Santa.

*another long pause*

Oh. OK.

The Ultimate Peep Show

2008-03-22T09:40:00.003-05:00

Those who know me know how much I love Peeps. Since we never did Easter as a kid and since my birthday is always close to Easter, Peeps always remind me of Spring and yes, my birthday. So this was particularly funny to me. (Thanks Joe and Laura and Jenn - who all sent this to me. On separate occasions. Hmmm, is that a sign? Should I perhaps shut up about my love of The Peeps?)

*****************************************************************************

On another non-related note, I got THE MOST KICK ASS digital camera for my birthday from my parents! I was a film girl until just a few days ago. Therefore this is an official WARNING!

The Internets will never be the same and neither will this blog.

"Oh. Ben looks so cute just sitting there on the couch" SNAP

"Wow, has there ever been such a large pile of laundry in one dwelling? A small child could rock climb this mountain of dirty clothes!" SNAP

"Aw, pretty plant." SNAP

"These shoes are so cute!!! I have to show EVERYONE!" SNAP

"When Ben has kids they will never believe their father's room was this messy..." SNAP

Folks, this could get ugly and painfully boring so just bear with me and my new love during this honeymoon stage. I'll try to keep it under control but I really can't promise anything.

Oh She's Hysterical

2008-03-21T15:18:00.005-05:00

Look at what funny FUNNY Mother Nature did to us today in Wisconsin?

Isn't she a riot!?

Sweetheart, why don't you worry about your seasons playing nice together in the sandbox rather than being a comedian. Hang up your early April Fool's Joke and work on Winter and Spring getting along and figuring out who's turn it is.

My suggestion would be to give Winter a BIG time out. Maybe you can whip him into shape. Clearly me writing letters to him didn't help.

Another View of Camp Runamuka

2008-03-21T10:48:00.000-05:00

Cousin Amy did a great job of getting the camp details just right.

Check it out at camp runamucka--next gen

(my hair still hurts from looking at that close up...)

Happy Birthday To Jew

2008-03-20T22:06:00.000-05:00

My birthday is on Easter this year. I'm Jewish. (although I use this term to describe myself lightly as I'm about as religious as the Grinch.) Ergo, fun times had by all.

For a Jew, Easter is easily the worst holiday. Ever! Nothing is open, all your friends are with their family doing Easter things, it's on a Sunday… you get the idea. Which makes it a double whammy for me. I finally have a birthday on a weekend... a weekend day where NOTHING is going to be open. Maybe my mom and I can find a Muslim spa to get pedicures at.

Christmas, on the other hand, I actually love, celebrate and can really get behind. It's the end of the year, good tidings to all, Peace on Earth, Happy Holidays, a reason for many a party and real tree in your house with pretty lights! You bet!

But Easter? Ugh. Easter has such a religious backing to it that I can't get out of my head. I know there are many out there who are just taking down their "Keep Christ in Christmas" signs from their front yards but to me, Easter is almost scary! At least Christmas is about a cute baby. Why aren't more Christian kids scared of Easter? Is that what the Easter bunny and pretty pastel eggs are for?

If this was a Jewish holiday? OY! We would be lamenting, and fasting and praying and who knows what else. But it sure wouldn't have chocolate eggs and pretty baskets behind it.

I guess this year I'll have a different reason to celebrate Easter. My birthday. So thank goodness for my family who would normally be bored out of their minds on this day.

Camp Runamukah - The Next Generation

2008-03-20T00:02:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Wonderful World of Camp Runamukah!

The Official Rules of Camp are as follows:
1.laugh often but not to the point of peeing in your pants (this rule doesn't apply to those campers under 2 years of age)
2. don't hit
3. go to bed late
4. get up early
5. share with others. Especially those shorter than you.
6. if you are a woman camper, eat a lot but with every bite say "Oy! I don't need this." or "wow, I can't stop eating. It's so good though. Ok, really, only one more"
7. if you are above 21 or one of our dear Israeli campers, drink as much of The Wine as you can. This helps to stay sane and dull the noise.
Other than that, Run Amuk!

Let me introduce you to some of the 2008 campers:
This is my sista from anotha motha, Amy.

Words can't describe how much I love and now miss Amy. We had such a blast together. Her wonderful husband Bo is probably the coolest husband and dad ever. On Saturday night, Amy, Bo and I went out for a "WILD NIGHT ON THE TOWN!!!"

We had one of the best meals I have ever eaten... but we were all so full from eating half of a cow that afterward, we just lumbered around the streets of downtown Seattle, stopped at one more place for a drink while they were closing and then ended up at club Ashkenazy (aka their house) for bed.

This is Samuel.

He is a dark chocolate version of Ben. They are the exact same age and pretty much the same person. They spent much of camp with their noses in their Nintendo DS's, talking about Club Penguin and making baby Naomi say things. They also have some seriously fantastic charade skills.

Then we have Talia Rebecca.

She has my name for a great reason... I LOVE HER! If I were to come up with the perfect daughter, this would be her. Will you take a look at those eyes? You can also count the freckles on her nose. She has 14.
Tali is also a great hairstylist. Look at my pretty do!

I know. You are so jealous. You should be. This picture doesn't begin to do it justice.
Soon after this picture was taken, however, she had to give me a new do because my hair hurt.
Not only is she the most breathtakingly beautiful girl, she also rocks! She plays t-ball, and wears the cutest things. She will put together a pretty dress with tights and then super cool black boots. Sigh. I miss Tali so. I wanted to sneak her into my suitcase but since the suitcase was already 50lbs which is the max, that wouldn't work. Plus her Mommy would miss her.

Last, but surely not least, we have our youngest camper. Naomi.

But you can call her "Nomi". She is delicious!!!!!!!!! She can't say her Y's so every Y word starts with a L. "Lah" "Lellow" Her little legs are so chewy I needed to take a little nibble out of them. I couldn't help it! She has one curl on her forehead and one on the back of her head. She is symmetrically curled.

To say we had fun in Seattle would be a gross understatement. In fact there was a point on Sunday night when I looked at "Nomi" and thought, "how am I supposed to live without this yummy baby and her caramel curls?" I did flirt with the idea to call the airline, push back our tickets, and call in sick to work for the rest of the week. But then I looked at Ben and knew that wouldn't have been fair to Ben who missed his stuffies and his grandparents badly.

Having a close crazy extended family is the best thing in the world. Amy and I have promised that we are not going to let another 4 years go by. We will have Camp Runamukah on a yearly basis. And possibly even a Madison edition this summer!

So dear cousin... this is now posted on "The Internets" so we HAVE to keep this up.

It's in PRINT.

Home Sweet Home. Kinda.

2008-03-19T12:28:00.000-05:00

It is good to be home. Sorta.
I did miss my wonderful king-sized bed after sharing a futon with a 7 year old for 4 nights.
I did miss my make-up that I conveniently left just OUTSIDE of my suitcase. Bradley at MAC in Seattle was pretty happy that I forgot all my make-up in Madison. I bet I just bought him and his husband a new couch with the commission he made off of me.

But I can't get my Seattle family and our wonderful trip out of my head!
This morning when I was putting up my hair in clips to wash my face, all I could think about was Tali doing my hair and what would she think of this do.
And then I made coffee, I thought, "I miss Amy's coffee. I'll have to get something other than Folgers when she comes to visit me"

Ben even misses them too. When I was getting him breakfast he said "I want a milk ba-ba" which is what baby Noami calls any drink.

Maybe the mountain of laundry I have to do, or just unpacking will help the Post Trip Funk. Probably not. But getting excited to see my friends on Saturday night and hanging out with my mom (who I did miss something fierce) today and shopping for my birthday will definitely help!

Oh and if you think this is the last of the Seattle posts, think again my friends. THINK. AGAIN!

Dear Spring

2008-03-13T19:10:00.000-05:00

Dear Spring,
Hi.
Um, I'm not sure if you remember me but I sure remember you. I have been thinking about you a lot lately and well, I miss you Spring!
Do you ever think of me? Don't you remember all our good times? Yes, it's been a year since we have seen each other but I think of you often and fondly.
Remember last year in Washington DC? God you were gorgeous!

Look at what you did to those cherry blossoms! Ben was so impressed with you, he couldn't even look up.

Trust me, it's hard to find good seasons these days. Nothing compares to you. And I'm not just saying this because I'm currently with a really awful season. He's so cold and isolating. He often wouldn't let me leave the house. I couldn't drive, I couldn't even WALK on the sidewalks. It was really abusive behavior! My therapist says I need to leave him and quick!

Look Spring, I'm headed to Seattle tomorrow and I'm pretty sure I'll run into you there. I was just wondering if maybe, um, you would think about coming back to Madison with me? Before you say no, just know that this doesn't have to be a serious committment. Maybe you could come back with me and we'll just see how it goes. This doesn't mean that I think you're The One... I just want to spend some time with you.
And I promise, this year there will be no complaining about how much you rain or how I wish your temperatures were a little higher. I swear! I've seen how bad it can get with the wrong season. I'll NEVER take you for granted agian.
Just please come back to me!

Promise me you'll at least think about it. Ok?
I'll see you soon.
Or just call me.
You have my number right? Do you have my cell? Or you can always just email me back if you want to.
Ok.
Well take care.
I miss you.
Bye.

CALL ME!

My Lil BFF

2008-03-12T19:06:00.000-05:00

For all the lamenting I do about my crazy kid, in all truth, he really is my best friend. He's not very mature, likes any joke that has "butt " or "fart" in it, and is a very messy roommate but he's my guy. I often find myself wishing he had email at school so I could tell him things through out the day. Unlike my other ADULT best friend, we aren't in constant communication.

Like today for example. I finally got to the bank to bring in the change Ben and I had been saving since September when we decided we were definitely going somewhere for Spring Break. It was in a big glass vase and I remember putting in quite a few quarters so I was pretty convinced that it would be close to $100 and we could use the money for fun on our trip.
As the teller was putting all those coins in the change counter, I was day dreaming of all the lovely things we can buy at the airport and at the Space Needle gift store with our huge loot.
When the teller came back and said "That came to $41.37." I couldn't stop laughing. Hell that won't even pay for the parking at the airport! When I got back to the car, all I wanted to do was to call or email Ben and tell him.

I picked him up from his friend's house (the little guy seriously has a million friends, but that's a post for another time) and said "I took the change in. Guess how much it was?"

Ben: 20 bucks?

Me: No! Only $41.37

Ben: WOW! That's a lot!

Me: It is??

Ben: Yeah, in my standards. Can I have 10 bucks?

Then later in the car ride he asked for some water. Since work doesn't have a water cooler (which is SERIOUSLY lame) I bring a big jug of water everyday. So I handed it to the backseat. It was pretty full. And I thought to myself "Wow, I didn't drink much today"

Only to have my short friend say "Hey you didn't drink much today!"

Me: I was JUST thinking that.

Ben: You should have drank more. Here.

and he hands it back up to me.

Ben: You are probably dehydrated. How often did you go to the bathroom today?

and then I choked on my water.

I really do love this kid.

Bus Drama

2008-03-11T19:40:00.000-05:00

Ben takes the bus to school. Everyday. Whoever knows me knows that this "bus thing" has been an issue with me since the first day of kindergarten. I think it's because our mornings are INSANE as it is so having to catch the bus is just the cherry on top of the frantic sundae that is our weekday mornings.
Side note: I drive Ben to the bus stop in the morning. Not because I can't handle the 2 block walk but because it makes me get into work that much faster.

This is the first day of second grade.
We made it to the bus on time that day. Needless to say I don't have pictures of us running down the sidewalk with me yelling "WAIT WAIT! WE HAVE ONE MORE!"

I can't even tally how much of my life has been spent in these past 3 years chasing this yellow bus down the streets of Madison. Or how much of our lives have been spent waiting and waiting and waiting to see it's headlights come up over the horizon. All the while saying a silent prayer that we didn't miss it and therefore have to hightail it to the next bus stop, hurl my kid out of the car while screaming at the other mothers "HOLD THAT BUS!" Ah, such class.

Al, my favorite of all the bus drivers, used to know my car so when he would see me in his rearview mirror he would literally stop in the middle of the street so I could rush Ben into the bus. I miss Al.

You see, as of late, the bus company has been doing something that resembles Murphy Brown's ever changing secretaries. (does anyone remember that show besides me?) I swear we get a new bus driver every 40 days. This may not seem like much to someone who doesn't have such a volatile relationship with the bus, but for me, it's a huge stressor because it usually takes them 40 days to get the route down.
Case and point, the newest bus driver. He's young, he's new and he's an IDIOT! The dude hasn't made it to the bus stop at the same time once! And just 1 minute can make a world of difference. Well at least to "frazzled-not-morning" mothers like me.

Monday, he was so late I was thinking we missed it so I started to drive forward to the next street when all the sudden it turns the corner and is coming right at us. I started to yell, with Ben laughing so hard in the back seat I thought he was going to puke "Oh my god! BACK UP BACK UP BACK UP!"
This morning I thought, ok he was late yesterday, he's going to be super early today. "Ben! Go go go! Get those boots on! Get your coat! For the love of everything that is holy, we are going to miss the bus!!"

We get to the bus stop at 7:07. I think we have a couple minutes as normally he should be there at 7:10. We wait. We wait. I start to get that feeling in my stomach. Ben encourages me to check another stop. As we drive, I see one of the dad's from another stop walking down the street on his way to work. NOT a good sign. I roll down my window…

"Did we miss it?"

"Yep" he says! "He was super early today. 3 kids had to make a run for it!"

As I'm driving Ben to school - which is amazingly out of the way and makes me amazingly crabby - I'm thinking about the complaint I’m going to call in as soon as I get to into work.
Instead, I write a post about this and all is well. Until tomorrow when I drag my half sleeping child to the bus stop 20 minutes early!

I'll show you Hot Shot! Oh, I'll show you…

Monday Math

2008-03-10T19:52:00.000-05:00

Becky + 3 large cups of coffee = WOW! It's MONDAY! HELLO! LET'S GET CRACKIN' HERE HUH? YAHOO!

Becky + 3 large cups of coffee also = going to the bathroom every 14.5 minutes

Girlfriends out on the town + camera phone =

Hillary Clinton + Not Backing off and leaving the Presidential race already = MANY disgruntled Democrats including yours truly

Young Boy + too much sugar at a birthday party =

Bored Becky at home + camera phone =

T - 4 days until Seattle = a VERY EXCITED Ben and Becky

See Dad? You had nothing to worry about when I needed a tutor for 11th grade geometry and then I did actually fail logic in college and had to take it again. oops.

But hey! Look at me now!!

How To Clean Your Room Like a 7 Year Old Boy

2008-03-09T19:39:00.000-05:00

1. When your mother asks you to clean your room, pretend you just went deaf. If you don't answer or acknowledge her, maybe she will forget.
2. When she asks you again an hour later, put her off. Ask to finish the show you are watching. When that's done say you have to play JUST ONE computer game. After that just look at her with a big smile and tell her she's pretty. Maybe she will forget.
3. When she tells you you can't have dinner until you clean your room, look at with longing eyes and say "But I'm so hungry!" Remember, she's a Jewish Mother therefore she can't in her soul stand to see anyone hungry. Sweet! Eat your dinner. SLOW.

4. After dinner, finally go into your room. Pick up one toy at a time. Before you put it away, dance with it, play with it and show it to all your other toys, until you finally get it to it's right place.
5. Ooh a Green Bay Packer helmet. Put that on. Come out to the kitchen and show your mom how cool you look.

6. When your mother says "Ben you are hopping more than you are cleaning!!" Answer her with MORE hopping and a smile.
7. Ooh gold beads. Put them on. Take the football helmet off and put up your hood on your sweatshirt. Go into the bathroom and check yourself out in the mirror while singing made up songs with the words "poop" and "butt" in them.
8. When that mother says again "Ben, seriously, what are you DOING?" Answer her with "What are YOU doing Mom?"
9. Sooner or later she will get too annoyed and go upstairs to write a blog about this experience. Sweet! You won!
10. Go up to her while she's writing this blog wearing some random headphones that YOU FOUND WHILE CLEANING!

**this blog is brought to you by an exasperated mother on Day Light Savings Time Sunday evening that won't end.

I Named Him Carl and Bought Him Chips

2008-03-08T14:20:00.000-06:00

*originally written and posted on My Space 1/27/08

Last night after a very bizzare night out, I stopped at my favorite gas station (ok not really my favorite but it's on the way home and it's open late - hence it's my favorite) to get my "after the bar treat". Nothing tastes as good at 1 in the morning like a Hostess Fruit Pie. Don't judge just try the magic that IS these pies.
I pull in and was about to go into the door on the side when this man outside says "Hey Sister, you can't get in that way. They lock those doors after midnight."
"Thanks" I say as I walk by him.
"Hey Sister. Could I ask you a favor?" he asks. Right then I thought, "I am not buying this guy cigarettes, giving him cash, or buying him liquor."
To my surprise, he didn't ask for any of these things. Instead he said "Could you buy me a bag of potato chips? That would really hit the spot and get me through the night." I was so taken aback by this request that to my surprise, I said fairly eagerly "Sure! What kind?"
He thought for a moment, and replied, "I'm not sure. Classic I guess. The $.99 bags."
I said "You know, if I were you, I would totally go with Sour Cream and Onion."
He continued to think, as did I, thinking "What the hell am I doing?!" So I said "Ok make up your mind quickly here buddy... I'm cold!" He smiled and said very matter of factly, "I think your right. I'll take Sour Cream and Onion..."

So I went in, got his chips, my water and fruit pie - alas they didn't have blueberry just apple. Which is why I'm convinced I have the headache that I do right now. If it was blueberry I would be tap dancing while juggling plates instead of at the computer, writing this blog with a HUGE cup of coffee and two Advil.
I walked out, gave him his chips as he said while walking away "Bless you Sister! Really, bless you. Thank you so much!!"
I got to my car, turned around and shouted after him "Hey! What's your name?" I think he was so into the heaven that is Sour Cream and Onion potato chips that he didn't hear me.
So I named him Carl.
Hope you enjoyed the chips as much as I enjoyed buying them for you Carl.
Keep warm buddy.

Westward Ho!

2008-03-07T20:47:00.001-06:00

A week from today, Short Stuff and I are heading out to Seattle for five glorious days to visit with my wonderful cousin and her amazing family.

Not only are they fun and cool as hell, they are all freakishly good looking humans!

As a friend of mine said "They look like they could be in a picture frame insert."

I hope they are ready for these Crazy Midwesterners.

Our mothers are identical twins however, you wouldn't know it from looking at Amy and I. But because they are identical twins, that makes us half sisters. Or so we have said for 35+ years.
When we were little and the families got together, it was insane! Twins sisters, plus all their kids, and their husbands in one house.
Therefore the parents called it "Camp Runamukah" As we would all Run-Amok. It was always wild fun with the week ending in a talent show and an award ceremony. Someone usually ended up in tears due to either not receiving an award or getting a mean award. Ah, those were the days. Nothing beats family, huh?

Even though we haven't seen each other in way too long but that doesn't mean I don't love her to pieces and am so excited for this trip!

Super Nanny Would Be So Proud

2008-03-06T18:06:00.000-06:00

Recently something has shook the normally very fine balance that is the happiness and calm in our household. This is mother speak for "My kid has been a total pain in the ass lately! I would rather take a house full of sorority girls who are ALL PMSing than another day with this skinny sassy mouthed 7 year old."

In fact last Thursday night, ended with a lovely open dialouge between mother and son that went something like this:
mother: seriously, if I have to tell you ONE MORE TIME to brush your teeth and get to bed....
boy: MOM! I KNOW! STOP TALKING TO ME!:
mother: Oh I will TALK to you. I'm your mother! You do not talk to ME like that.
boy: I HATE YOU! You are the meanest Mom in the whole world.
mother: (muttering under her breath) yeah well you ain't a picnic tonight either Hot Shot
boy: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
mother: Nothing! Go to BED!
boy: I WANT A NEW MOM!!!
mother: (more muttering) good luck with that bucko!

You know, it's weird but I swear I don't remember the Walton's having these conversations. Maybe I missed it while I was in the kitchen getting a snack. I bet it was right before the "Goodnight John Boy... Goodnight Sue Ellen..."

I was not only sick to my stomach and feeling very guiilty about my not so mature behavior, but I knew this had to end.
I mean I don't totally blame the kid. We are all out of our minds sick of winter. Yeah, I'm blaming this on the Winter From Hell. [refer to blog below] Hey it's either that or Bush and believe it or not, I'm actually sick of blaming him for all my woes. Time to piss on Mother Nature a little bit.

Therefore last night Friday, after yet another LOVELY morning, I gritted my teeth and said "Things are going to change around here, Mister! Oh yes they are!"
That day at work, I made a "chore chart" for my little whipper snapper. It's complete with days of the week on the top, chores to the left and "X"s in each box to mark what needs to be done when.

Well I'm telling you, if I knew that all I had to do was whip up an excel spreadsheet to restore order in my home, I would have done this long ago. I think the boy just needed some structure. The kid took to this chart like a bee to honey. In fact Friday night he went right to work. He posted this on his door, and continues to check it regularly. He even CLEANED THE TOILET on Saturday morning. Really. I couldn't make that up if I tried.
So needless to say I'm sticking with the chart. I'm in love with the chart. If it was legal to marry the chart, I would.

In fact I think I'll use this for him for the rest of his life and even give a copy to his wife.

I can just hear the Super Nanny grinning and saying "Well dune to the pair ov you!"

Sorry! My bad Wisconsin!

2008-03-06T08:05:00.000-06:00

When others write letters on their blogs, they have great success.
day 135: Haier is hereby officially redeemed
That does not hold true for Princess Mikkimoto.
Apparently Winter reads The Internets and The Blogs and does NOT have a sense of humor.

Please refer to the forecast in Wisconsin for the next few days:

TODAY:Partly sunny and breezy.High: 26Wind: WNW 8-16 MPH
TONIGHT:Cloudy with scattered flurries or snow showers.Low: 10Wind: N 7-15 MPH
FRIDAY:Mostly cloudy breezy and cold.High: 17Wind: NNE 10-20 MPH
SATURDAY:Partly sunny, breezy and very cold during the morning; increasingly cloudy with diminishing winds during the afternoon; (flurries or light snow developing Saturday evening).Low: 0; (morning wind chills: -10 to -20)High: 20

If you need to take a moment to check your calendars, be my guest. But I can tell you with much certainty that it's MARCH not JANUARY! It should be in the 40's not in the ZERO's with a wind chill of -10 to -20!
So I'm sorry Wisconsin. I believe I angered The Winter. I will try to right my wrong.
Dear Winter,
When I said yesterday to "suck it" it really meant You are SO PRETTY!!!
Hugs and Kisses
Me

And as far as Brett Favre goes! That wasn't me! I SWEAR I didn't write him a letter!

Dear Winter,

2008-03-05T18:42:00.000-06:00

Dear Winter,

Suck it!

Sincerely,

Cold, Pale, Dry and Pissed in Wisconsin

*****************************************************
Ok , that wasn't very nice... let's try this again:

Dear Winter,

Hi.

How are you?

Actually don't answer that because I don't really care. Winter, can I give you some constructive criticism? I can? Thanks! Although as I have learned in Having Difficult Conversations 101 I'll give you some compliments first.

1) You were pretty in December. Thanks for a white Christmas. It was lovely.

2) You did make for some cozy nights at home with my son. Fire on, candles lit, movie playing, popcorn eaten. So again, thanks for that.

3) You let all the snow bunnies have some fun times sledding, skiing, skating, ice fishing and snowboarding. I, personally, didn't do any of the above but I'm sure there are some happy people out there

Ok, but Winter, here comes the hard part… the moment of truth. Winter, you have over stayed your welcome. It's time to go. You are like the unwanted guest at a party who comes too early, leaves late and eats and drinks everything in sight. Really honey, it's so tacky.

You should take your queue from Spring and Fall. Now there are some seasons. They come like a beautiful breeze bringing with them a lovely change in the weather. And then, in a blink of an eye, they are gone, leaving everyone wanting more. Spring and Fall have definitely taken a page from The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right. Nice job seasons!
And then there's Winter. You are more like the Ugly-Desperate-Needy-Step-Sister who wears slacks and sensible shoes.
Ok and seriously, what was your deal this season? Who pissed in your Cheerios? My god! We get it, YOU. ARE. PISSED! Was it that Summer lasted until October 10th? Did you feel the need to show up all the seasons and break some records of your own this year? Or are you trying to scare the world into going Green? If that's the case, I have to tell you, you surely aren't helping with this attitude! All the salt we have used, all the gas from the snow blowers, not to mention all the snow plows running all night long. Trust me, Al Gore will NOT be pleased with you Winter and you really DON'T want to get on his bad side.

Look, all I'm saying is it's really time to go. Lovely Spring will be here before you know it and you BETTER have all this snow and ice gone before she gets here. Please! My toes need to see the air and the sun.

Oh and next season, try some Prozac and talk therapy before you descend again on Wisconsin.

Glad we had this little chat.
Buh bye now.

Take care.

Off you go…

*this picture was not taken this year - if it was, the kid and the snowman would have been covered in 100 inches of snow.

The First Of Many...

2008-03-05T18:10:00.000-06:00

Well... I guess I finally did it. I'm no longer just the voyeur but now a contributor to the wonderful world of blogging.

Thanks Al Gore for making this all possible...

Wow, such stress... what to write?!!? I think I might start out by posting some previous blogs that I wrote on My Space... since I have no creativity in my brain right now and the punk needs dinner.

More later!