If It Walks Like A Duck, Quacks Like A Duck...

I understand that parts of your body change as you get older. Gravity happens. Fat happens. Life happens. I knew my stomach would change, my ass, my chest… etc.

But my feet! Really?

Over the long cruel winter, under the safety of my socks and boots, my once skinny normal feet have changed. I now present you with an actual picture of my feet taken just this morning.

Yes. I seem to have grown duck feet.

I always knew my feet were crazy flat. It was one of my main excuses for getting out of the military. That and my need for "Love Not War". However in addition to just being flat, over the past year, my feet have seemed to have spread out; horizontally.
A few weeks ago, when I went to try on all my cute strappy summer sandals, they were a little tight. Ok make that very tight.

Weird! How could that be? I must just be swollen for some reason. I'll wear them anyway.

Half way through the day I was begging anyone who would listen to cut my feet off. "Take these evil things off! For the love of everything that is Holy! I don't care how you do it just TAKE THEM OFF!!"

I think I permanently scarred the nice guy at work who takes out our trash.

Last night my mom and I went out shoe shopping. Oh that was fun. The very nice young salesman was trying to get this super cute strappy sandal on my new duck foot. Sadly he was a wuss and gave up early. I half chuckled, half sneered and said with sheer determination "It will fit. Just (grunt grunt) have to (sweating profusely now) get. it. in! Ha, I'm like Cinderella's Ugly Step Sister.. ha ha… it, ah, won't fit."

And my mom, being the love that she is said "oh those shoes are just too narrow. I bet I couldn't get my foot in there either."
Yes you could mom. You aren't part water fowl.

Really, nothing says "I am a HOT young woman" like a pair of sandals where your foot is oozing out the side of a strap. So sexy.
Therefore today I will search online for some super hot, super high heeled, super young, SUPER WIDE DUCK shoes. Because no matter how bad it gets, I will never be caught dead in a sensible orthopedic. What's next? Navy slacks? A tight perm? (I just threw up writing those words)

I think I'll approach Aflac and see if they need a foot body double for their mascot.

Quack.

Quack. Quack.