A Letter To Ben's 2nd Grade Teacher

Dear Tonya,

Thank you so much for teaching my kid how to read, how to do math that even I didn't understand and for making him become a good, responsible kid.

We will miss you so much next year.

I do have a couple questions for you though.

When you said in Ben's end of the year report card, that he should read 20 minutes a day this summer, you really meant he should be playing his new PS2 20 minutes a day right?

And then when you said he should develop a pen pal and write this summer, you really meant he should IM with his Grandma over Yahoo Messenger. Right?

princessmikkimoto (6/18/2008 5:31:04 PM): HELLO!

gma (6/18/2008 5:31:22 PM): Hello there. Are you Becky or Ben?

princessmikkimoto (6/18/2008 5:31:33 PM): B E N

gma (6/18/2008 5:31:42 PM): Hi dere, what's new?

princessmikkimoto (6/18/2008 5:32:02 PM): No Nothen

gma (6/18/2008 5:32:44 PM): Oh, well, is your mom having company for dinner?

princessmikkimoto (6/18/2008 5:33:23 PM): yes

gma (6/18/2008 5:33:34 PM): What is she cooking?

princessmikkimoto (6/18/2008 5:33:49 PM): hold on

princessmikkimoto (6/18/2008 5:34:32 PM): a ardacok chikon

gma (6/18/2008 5:34:55 PM): Do you mean Artichoke Chicken?

princessmikkimoto (6/18/2008 5:35:04 PM): ya

gma (6/18/2008 5:35:40 PM): Don't be sad. Be happy! That will be delicious!

princessmikkimoto (6/18/2008 5:36:07 PM): okay

gma (6/18/2008 5:36:31 PM): You're funny. I have to go now. So byebye for now!!!!!

Yeah I thought so. Great! Thanks for the clarification, Tonya! Have a great summer!

Signed,

Mother Of The Year and the Child Who Will Forget Everything He Learned By September 2nd.

A Letter To Lego

Dear Lego Star Wars,
Hi. How's it going?
First I would like to congratulate you on your super cool toys. Really. Well done. My kid and many of his other 8 year old friends - well it's like crack to them. I'm not sure how you do it because looking at those Super Death Star Anakin Trooper Rogue Shadow ships does nothing for me. But you get my kid in front of that aisle at Toys R Us and it's all "OH MY GOD MOM LOOK AT THAT! SWEEEEEEET!" Ah what? I didn't hear you because the pretty Barbie an aisle over just winked at me. I think she wants me to come look at her new shoes.

And LSW, can I ask? Do you have kids? I'm guessing not. Otherwise you wouldn't make these super sweet concoctions with 1,500 itsy bitsy teeny weeny pieces. Because dear LSW, THIS is what happens when said 8 year old boy opens up this SWEEEEEEEET birthday gift.

No, this isn't in the safety of his bedroom. This is in the living. Right in the middle of the living room. Fun right?
Ever had one of those pieces lodged between your pinkie and 4th toe? So. Much. Fun!
Ever step on one of these suckers in the middle of the night but you can't scream to the high heavens because you don't want wake your kid, so you mutter every obsencity you have ever heard in a whisper? Good times there!

Also when my child, after hours of trying to build this ship himself, finally looks at me with desperation and says "Mom, can you help?" I look at him as if he has just spoken Cantonese and say with a blank stare, "Ah, I can help by making you a snack!"

You see, I don't DO Lego Star Wars. I do Barbie's hair, and I can dress up a Build A Bear with the greatest of ease. If you need someone to set up your Webkinz animal online, I'm your girl.
But putting together the Battle Trooper Clone Wing Fighter Darth Vadar Ship... nope. Not me.

So dear Lego Star Wars, again super cool toy but could you either start making them with just 3 huge pieces or at least have it come with an instant Geek Guy that can sit with my son for hours and help with him this super cool gift. Oh and if he was cute, single and a Democrat that would be SWEEEEEET!


Sincerely,


I'll Be Sending My Podiatrist Bill To You

A Letter To The Lame Duck

Dear G Dub,

I got your money today. Yes I'm one of the fortunate people who's social security number ends with 01. My parents always told me to send thank you notes for gifts so, considers this yours.

Thanks.

But I have to say... even though you gave me some money I still don't like you. I never have, I never will. In fact, according to a recent poll, I'm not alone in my thoughts. Turns out you are the most unpopular President in modern American history. This news does warm the cockles of my heart. And you giving me this money doesn't make me like you one bit more. Yes, it's nice but the truth is, it's not going to help the economy or me AT ALL. You do know this right?

I know you aren't very smart and you are completely not in touch with reality so this might be a dumb question but um, have you seen the price of gas!? It now costs me over $50 to fill up my car. Have you seen the cost of produce in the stores? Well of course you haven't so I'll just tell you, they are HIGH!

I was seriously contemplating about putting this money in savings until Obama becomes president (saying a silent prayer right now...) but the truth is, I can't. Thanks to you, my budget for gas and groceries is totally out of whack, I have a cute boy's birthday to throw this month and I have a car that is trying to commit suicide.

So Mr. President, you'll get my money, but I won't like giving it to you. Oh and just for spite, I'm going to use a small amount of it to donate to Obama's campaign and then save some to use when he is in office. It won't be much but it will be my personal way of stickin' it to da man!

Say hi to Laura and the twins for me.

Hugs and Kisses,
Me

A Letter To Ben's Future Wife

Dear Future Daughter In Law or Little Becky as we like to call you,
(Oh I know you think that it's really weird but Ben and I think it's so cute!!!)

Hi! How's it going with my kid? Good huh? Sorry about his really crooked teeth but when he was little it was either buy gas at $4 a gallon or orthodontia and well, I had to get to the mall and my pedicure appointments!

But he's a great husband, isn't he? Wanna know why? Because I shaped him up good!

*When he wanted to eat his granola bar while going to the bathroom, I said "ah, no."

*When he wanted to get a tattoo of a panther playing a guitar with the words "ROCK ON!" on his bicep, did I rush him to the nearest tattoo parlor? Noooo! I said "Um, maybe wait until you are 20. You might change your mind about the design."

*When he would just dropped his dirty underwear on the floor, I would make him pick it up and put it in the laundry room.

*When he would leave his dishes out, I would make him put them into the sink.

*When he put the ice cream in the sink instead of the freezer, well then I didn't actually say anything because hey, life is hard and confusing.

*The one time that he didn't hold the door open for me, I pitched such a fit, he did it EVERY TIME since then. With a smile.

*The guy actually likes to clean the toilet. So whatever he might tell you, don't let him get away with not doing it.

Really. You are welcome. There is no need to thank me. I'll just take 3 grandchildren. Preferably at least one girl. Oh and could you name her Anna after my grandmother? Thanks!
You know, I think me living with you guys is really working out well. Don't you?

Much Love,
Ma

Oh and p.s. we are out of Diet Coke and Ben and Jerry's S'mores ice cream. You know how I can't go to sleep without that stuff. Oh and for some reason my TIVO isn't recording Rock of Love Season 20. Can you fix it? Um soon?! That poor Brett Michaels still hasn't found his love. It's just so sad. Thanks lovey!

A Letter To The Streets of Madison

Dear Streets,
Hi. How are you? No really, how ARE you?

I know it's been a really hard winter. It has for all of us. I understand it has been especially difficult for you with all the salt and sand and those heavy snow plows running on you day after day. Not to mention the ice that was just stuck on you for months at a time. It was bad. I know. Try not to think about it.
But um, well this is awkward but, Streets, honey, you are falling apart and I'm worried. Truly worried.
Today on the way to work, I hit a pot hole the likes of the Grand Canyon. When I hit it, it sounded like a gun shot hit the car. I don't really need to tell you how Blade is in a very fragile state these days and he doesn't need this added stress.
I guess I'm just asking and pleading for you to hang on. You are strong! You are CONCRETE for God's sake! Don't you forget that! Don't wither away before those handsome worker men can get out there and repair you. Hold on to what you got! You can do it. I know you can.

Sincerely,
A Believer In the Strength of the Streets!

*Constantly counseling the inanimate objects in my life is getting to be exhausting. I'm like the Dr. Phil of all things not real.

A Letter To The WORST MOST STUPID DAY EVER!

Dear April Fools,
You suck.
You are seriously. not. funny. In fact you are painfully annoying. I would rather have 12 Valentines Day's in a row than one of you (and trust me A.F.D that's saying A LOT!) My new favorite day of the year isn't Halloween (sorry Halloween if you are reading this… I really REALLY love you… Miss you!) it's April 2nd. Why? Because then I don't have to deal with April 1st for 364 more days!

I think I have a fairly good sense of humor but I can honestly say, you aren't funny. Being on edge and not trusting your friends and family ALL DAY because they might pull a prank on you?!? How is that funny? What happened to you as a young Holiday? Were you overweight with bad acne and the uncool jeans? Did you not have a date to the school dances? Were you never picked first for gym class so this is how you get repay us for the rest of eternity?

I have had to deal with you for 36 years and I'm telling you, it's not getting any better.
Maybe my true disdain for you started when I was 7 or 8. Getting ready for school, minding my own business when I heard my beloved father scream from the kitchen. I flew down the steps, three at a time, to see what was wrong. Only to find my father standing in the kitchen holding his bloody finger in a box and screaming "OH MY GOD! I CUT IT OFF!!!!!!!" After I passed out and came to there was my sweet dad looking down on me smiling and saying "April Fools Honey!" I'm not sure I ever truly forgave him for this act and I blame it on you, A.F.D.

I also blame you for today:
*my kid telling me his favorite and most expensive pair of jeans ripped this morning. APRIL FOOLS!
*my child and I chasing down the bus through the streets of Madison, said child wearing the NON RIPPED jeans.
*me not wearing a coat today thinking it would be 50 when, no, that's tomorrow, the high will only be 32 today.
*the receptionist telling me on my way to my office - had I heard? Barack Obama dropped out of the race! APRIL FOOLS!
*my friend Emily calling me and leaving a message "oh too bad you aren't there, Stella and I were going to play an April Fools joke on you…" Thank god I was in the bathroom and couldn't get to my phone.
And this is ALL BEFORE 10 AM!

Why can't you be more like other firsts of the month? New Year's Day? Lovely. May Day? Sigh, enough said. Why must you insist on being a pain in the ass?

I truly can not wait to see what else you have in store for me today you Useless-Excuse-for-a Mock-Oliday.

Signed,
Not A Fan

Dear Spring

Dear Spring,
Hi.
Um, I'm not sure if you remember me but I sure remember you. I have been thinking about you a lot lately and well, I miss you Spring!
Do you ever think of me? Don't you remember all our good times? Yes, it's been a year since we have seen each other but I think of you often and fondly.
Remember last year in Washington DC? God you were gorgeous!

Look at what you did to those cherry blossoms! Ben was so impressed with you, he couldn't even look up.

Trust me, it's hard to find good seasons these days. Nothing compares to you. And I'm not just saying this because I'm currently with a really awful season. He's so cold and isolating. He often wouldn't let me leave the house. I couldn't drive, I couldn't even WALK on the sidewalks. It was really abusive behavior! My therapist says I need to leave him and quick!

Look Spring, I'm headed to Seattle tomorrow and I'm pretty sure I'll run into you there. I was just wondering if maybe, um, you would think about coming back to Madison with me? Before you say no, just know that this doesn't have to be a serious committment. Maybe you could come back with me and we'll just see how it goes. This doesn't mean that I think you're The One... I just want to spend some time with you.
And I promise, this year there will be no complaining about how much you rain or how I wish your temperatures were a little higher. I swear! I've seen how bad it can get with the wrong season. I'll NEVER take you for granted agian.
Just please come back to me!

Promise me you'll at least think about it. Ok?
I'll see you soon.
Or just call me.
You have my number right? Do you have my cell? Or you can always just email me back if you want to.
Ok.
Well take care.
I miss you.
Bye.

CALL ME!

Dear Winter,

Dear Winter,

Suck it!

Sincerely,

Cold, Pale, Dry and Pissed in Wisconsin

*****************************************************
Ok , that wasn't very nice... let's try this again:

Dear Winter,

Hi.

How are you?

Actually don't answer that because I don't really care. Winter, can I give you some constructive criticism? I can? Thanks! Although as I have learned in Having Difficult Conversations 101 I'll give you some compliments first.

1) You were pretty in December. Thanks for a white Christmas. It was lovely.

2) You did make for some cozy nights at home with my son. Fire on, candles lit, movie playing, popcorn eaten. So again, thanks for that.

3) You let all the snow bunnies have some fun times sledding, skiing, skating, ice fishing and snowboarding. I, personally, didn't do any of the above but I'm sure there are some happy people out there

Ok, but Winter, here comes the hard part… the moment of truth. Winter, you have over stayed your welcome. It's time to go. You are like the unwanted guest at a party who comes too early, leaves late and eats and drinks everything in sight. Really honey, it's so tacky.

You should take your queue from Spring and Fall. Now there are some seasons. They come like a beautiful breeze bringing with them a lovely change in the weather. And then, in a blink of an eye, they are gone, leaving everyone wanting more. Spring and Fall have definitely taken a page from The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right. Nice job seasons!
And then there's Winter. You are more like the Ugly-Desperate-Needy-Step-Sister who wears slacks and sensible shoes.
Ok and seriously, what was your deal this season? Who pissed in your Cheerios? My god! We get it, YOU. ARE. PISSED! Was it that Summer lasted until October 10th? Did you feel the need to show up all the seasons and break some records of your own this year? Or are you trying to scare the world into going Green? If that's the case, I have to tell you, you surely aren't helping with this attitude! All the salt we have used, all the gas from the snow blowers, not to mention all the snow plows running all night long. Trust me, Al Gore will NOT be pleased with you Winter and you really DON'T want to get on his bad side.

Look, all I'm saying is it's really time to go. Lovely Spring will be here before you know it and you BETTER have all this snow and ice gone before she gets here. Please! My toes need to see the air and the sun.

Oh and next season, try some Prozac and talk therapy before you descend again on Wisconsin.

Glad we had this little chat.
Buh bye now.

Take care.

Off you go…

*this picture was not taken this year - if it was, the kid and the snowman would have been covered in 100 inches of snow.